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Beware the Ides of March

Welcome. The following application will assist us in finding fresh blood for the Collective. You shall fill it out if you so choose and tell us why you are ready to take up sporks against badfic.

You will learn our secret code words, which allow members of the Collective to communicate with each other in an amazing display of secret squirrelism in both fic reviews, message board posts and communities all over the internet. You may reply with your answers here, or email them to the Collective at neglected_outsiders@yahoo.com.



1. If you rushed into a burning building and found an elderly woman, a newborn baby and S.E. Hinton, who would you save? If you don't save Susie, explain why? You may only save one.

2. How many copies of "The Outsiders" or any other same-universe Hinton novel have you read to unsavable tatters?

3. Facepalm or headdesk?

4. Did you catch the spelling error in question two? If not, please stop filling out this application now. You are not ready to join the Collective.

5. Which Mary Sue is more nauseating?

Sugarplum Curtis. She's 15 years old, and lives with her brothers Darry, Soda and Pony. She gets jumped by Socs on her way home from the movies, but the gang, including her boyfriend Dallas, rescues her. She is carried back to her home to recover on the Magic Couch and ends up making out with Dallas despite her broken leg and massive concussion. Darry yells at her for bleeding all over their furniture and she cries, but Dallas wipes her single tear away.

Rae "Razorblade" Duncan. She's 16, from New York and her parents have abused her all her life. She's made her way to Tulsa, only now there's a gang of Socs surrounding her. They call her names and start to beat her, but just as she is getting the upper hand, due to her knowledge of karate, the gang comes to rescue her. Steve notices how much she looks like Dallas, who breaks down in tears – it's his long lost baby sister Razor. OMG.

6. Dallas Winston: Foil or Anti-hero? Explain.

7. Below you will find 3 reactions to review. Which is the most acceptable?

A) Stop reading my fics if you don’t like them! No one wants your opinion anyway, you suck!
B) I said in the story that I know there were no cell phones in 1960s, so there! I don't have to do research if I don't want to you know.
C) Why are you one of THOSE people that tells everyone how bad they are, no one cares if its bad, just you and you don't even have any stories.

8. Are you still in possession of your soul? If so, would it trouble you to lose it? If you do not have a soul, please explain why. Include examples of how your lack of a soul would be an asset in critiquing badfic.

9. You have time traveled into The Outsiders book. You are on the street when seven gang members approach you. Your response is:

A) Make out with one or all of them.
B) Tell them my name and reveal I'm related to one of them.
C) Get jumped by Socs and bleed everywhere, but never enter a hospital.
D) Reveal that you know exactly what they will be doing in the coming days and ominously intone, "Only I can save you."

10. You are being forced to read a terrible fan fiction with awful Mary Sue characters, horrible plots and terrible technical construction. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!



We thank all who are interested in applying, but only those with the required mental acuity, strength and fortitude will be contacted regarding membership.

Spork: Meet Kit Kat Curtis

We have decided to bring you some of our special, hidden sporks that appear at the 731 North St. Louis forum. Since we originally wrote these sporks, many of the writers had epiphanies (or tantrums) and deleted their fics. We consider this service proof that our sporks have done some good in the world. Our first spork, featuring "Meet Kit Kat Curtis" is no longer torturing the eyes of readers in the Pit. For that we are grateful. This Dallymance was such a steaming pile it drove Dallas himself out to spork it:

Enter at your own risk. Mary Sue Angst abounds ... along with a wedding. With Dallas Winston as the groom. We are not shitting you.Collapse )

What a pleasant guy. Well, don't expect us to spork another fic that long. It was awful.

No, we did not die

We have crawled out of our post-holiday drunken stupor to peruse the garbage spewed forth by fanbrats as of late. We will admit to hoping the state of fan fiction had improved while we indulged in vodka gimlets and whiskey sours, but alas, it is not to be. The more things change, the more they stay the same, as the saying goes. It also applies to regurgitated story ideas shat out by crappy writers.

Observe, pretties. The front pages of fanfiction.net are filled with titles headache-inducing enough to make a vodka gimlet hangover look appealing:

Daisy Duke Curtis This is one Bo Peep that Lost Shepherd and Lost Sheep don't care to find.
The Outsiders Being Rebellious Isn't Always Easy Creating titles that are not crap: Also not easy.
Sodas baby It doesn't belong to him, though. You can tell by the lack of a possessive.
Madison Curtis Nothing screams MARY SUE like titling the entire spew with the name of your little forgotten-because-she-doesn't-exist Curtis. We will refrain from mentioning the insipid username. For now.
Austin Winston We will shock you in informing you that Austin is a male. We know. We were shocked too. Unfortunately, to see this rare Winston brother, you must suffer through a fic where Soda impregnates Sylvia. We only recommend this to those of you who are already mentally deranged.
If only you knew: Edited If only editing could help.
How To Make A Good Outsiders Story They leave out the part where their entire "story" is not a story, but something belonging on JournalFen. We take that back. JournalFen deserves better. This is something that belongs on Quizilla.
The Time Machine Sadly, it does not transport any of these writers into the future where they have since learned punctuation, grammar and the restraint needed so they do not inflict their story turds on a poor, weary fandom.

We could go on, but time is short, and bad fic plentiful.

The usernames of the "authors" also do not inspire confidence any of the following are capable of writing good fiction:

outsider-luv We would say it was because the username is juvenile, but it is because the stories are crap.
LittleSisterCurtis We give you only one chance to guess which of the above titles she is responsible for.
EllaRayCurtis Who is in no way projecting her Mary Sue onto the fandom and who would never begin her writing with a list of all of her Mary Sues. Every. Single. One.
Johnny Cade's little sister It would work ... if Johnny Cade had a sister.
Megan11014 She wouldn't dream of naming her character Megan. Or maybe she would ...
Twiclipsee The refuse bin liner that is Twilight and its bastard siblings do not inspire hope the writing will be good.
Dallas.winston.belongs.here Periods do not belong anywhere in there. They belong at the end of sentences and once a month.
Lucy Elizabeth Curtis is under the impression people will enjoy her Mary Sue so much she named herself after the character. Or the character after herself. It's hard to tell when the mental illness has progressed this far. There also is no possible chance her profile will set a new standard for obnoxious cut-and-pastes.

One would think that would be enough, but no, we are also tortured by the summaries attached to some of these gems of the fiction world.

Julia Vesey had done the impossible: create a time machine. When curiousity gets the better of her, she ventures into 1967. How can she get home when the time machine breaks? Can a mysterious ballad from her mind help her save Johnny in time? Spoilers
Unless that ballad consists of her head exploding while she attempts to think, we have no desire to read the 138,950th time travel story in the fandom. It has been done better by writers who are no longer active. We mourn this regularly. Good fic has been chased from the fandom and replaced with ballads from Mary Sue's mind.

Steve/oc. Sisterfic. Daisy Duke Curtis finds out she has feelings for her brother's best friend. Lots of twists and suprises! Rating may go up to M later I worked hard on this please read it. DON'T LIKE DON'T READ.
Ah, don't like, don't read. The siren call to badfic warriors (Do not make us come out there and slap you all awake. We have noticed your extended absence as you have noticed ours). There is nothing in this world so alluring to those who dislike badfic. How should we know we don't like your drivel when we haven't read it? Perhaps you know as well as we do a bad title and bad character tells us enough. Those waiting for good fic appreciate the notice.

just as the title says kinda
The title "Sodas baby" told us all we needed to know. It told us to avoid this story. To those writers whose titles, names and summaries tell us never to click: Your courtesy is appreciated.

Forbidden love, feuding gangs, this has all happened before.
If it has happened before, we will not have to read it again. Thank you for deterring us.


Yesterday was Friday and today is Saturday. For some strange reason Steve and Two Bit are at each other's throats. Whatever happened to Ponyboy? Whatever happened they won't say anything and someone's life could be at risk.
Thank you for the lesson in days of the week. Perhaps you should consider a career writing for "Sesame Street"? What this has to do with your puerile fic, we do not know and can't begin to imagine. If Ponyboy is lucky, he escaped this fic, hopefully going somewhere everyone already knows the days of the week.

PLEASE READ!CHAPTER1 HAS BEEN CHANGED FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN WAITING!THE ORIGINAL WILL BE CHAPTER 2!YAOI DON'T LIKE DON'T READ! Also if there is OOC I'm sorry about it. M for later chapters.
We are not sure why this fanbrat insists on yelling at everyone. We admit apologizing for terrible characterization before anyone clicks is considerate. The story is populated by characters named Jake and Michael. We do not know who they are, and we do not care. Usually we would be headdesking through Sheol, waiting for the Outsiders characters to show up, but in this case we feel they have escaped a fate worse than death. Yes, pretties, bad writing kills.

Oh, fandom. You disappoint us with your stagnancy.

You see, we secretly hope things will not always be bleak in Sheol. Our occasional forays into sporking bring us fleeting joy in the form of Dallas Winston-

Fuck you.

Back in the corner.

You fuckin' liars said you'd let me out.

When Tim returns.

He ain't comin' back, you know that!

Fine.

*clap of thunder*

Jesus Christ! *looks around* Shit!

Now let me outta here!

If he's going, I ain't staying.

Really now? We are intrigued. You and Dallas seem to like spending time together ...

That ain't what I meant.

You said you'd let me go if Shepard was here. Shepard's here.

*sigh* Very well, Dallas.

*thunder, lighting, a show from the heavens*

I hate that son of a bitch.

Be glad we have not drawn you here for sporking.

I'd rather spork. I see what you guys get up to when you ain't doin' it.

We are currently lamenting the state of fiction in the fandom.

Yeah? When are you not? That place is as fucked up as a one-eyed whore.

Agreed, although we suspect a one-eyed whore could write better. Into the corner, Tim. We are not yet ready for you.

I ain't gettin' in no - hey!

Don't struggle. It only makes the binding tighter.

As we were saying ...


We look upon the fandom with hope most days and it never fails to kick us where it hurts. We curl up in the fetal position, booze in one hand, our shattered hopes in another, and rock until the pain subsides.

We could put ourselves out of our misery-

Please.

Shut it, pretty. You are not too cute to dispense with. We could easily replace you with Sodapop Curtis.

That pussy couldn't take this shit.

It is true, he has only sporked once to our knowledge. The experience damaged him.

So why not give it up, leave us the fuck alone and get out of here?

Ah, the age old question of why. You are not the first to ask, Timothy.


We stay because of the one constant that keeps us warm: the tantrum of the fanbrat.

The boo-hoo cry of the asshurt fanbrat is a salve to our wounds. It makes our heart unshrivel just a tiny bit. The fanbrat will never die, so we can never rest.

It is our carrot.

Even now, the front page shows us caps-lock demands not to butthurt them. We have never dealt well with demands.

Pretties, we will never truly leave you. Not when there are so many fanbrats for pointing and laughing. We may go on a bender, hide in the depths of Sheol or entertain ourselves with the bad boys of the fandom-

Not if you get Curtis in here you won't.

Quiet, it's not your turn to talk.


We live because the fanbrat lives. Defeating us is as simple as the fandom becoming educated on grammar, spelling, punctuation, characterization, plotting and criticism. We die when the fanbrat dies.

We all know that won't happen, but won't it be fun trying to get there?

A Day in the Life of the Collective

Pretties, some of you have inquired as to what we do all day. It's not all free smack and chocolate. In fact, we receive no free smack at all, which is a pity, because it might make the badfic tolerable.

We are inclined to appease your morbid curiosity.

Morning

* Rise, followed by immediate regret.
* Read puerile fanfiction. Vomit in mouth. Rinse. Repeat.
* Spork a fanbrat to hear it squeal.
* Bemoan the state of fandom.

Afternoon

* Indulge in a bout of ennui.
* Read one-millionth Mary Sue story, then ponder the benefits of insanity.
* Read the canon material. Wonder if anyone else has done so.
* Headdesk into unconsciousness.

Evening

* Attempt to molest either Dallas or Tim. Be rejected.
* Drink copious amounts of Bleepka, then consider molesting other canon characters. Decide more alcohol is needed before action can be taken.
* Read another badfic. Laugh to keep from crying.
* Realize that drunkenness does not improve badfic.
* Consider state of fandom, then realize it is beyond salvation.
* Drink until unconsciousness.

From the mailbag


Just when you thought we'd fallen into a badfic-induced stupor, we're back. No axes, lovelies, but we do have plenty of bleepka. And Dallas is tied up around here somewhere ...

We have a new missive from someone who is out to save the world and make it a better place, one person at a time. As usual, we're in bold, lovelies:

NOADS,

Yes?

Your methods of criticism on Outsiders fanfiction stories are ineffective:
 
So?

those on the receiving end have not, and will not, use what you say constructively,

Pretty, whatever made you think that what we cared?

because through your mocking and sarcastic comments, 

 ... guilty as charged, but we still are waiting for your point ...

you have already pissed them off so greatly that they will have no tolerance for what you have to say.

Again, what gives you the impression that we care? 

Don't you think that the unintelligent, insecure fanfiction writers that you criticize
 
And yourself as well, pretty. After all, you are calling them unintelligent and insecure.

would have more respect for what you tell them

We tell them the truth. Whether they respect it is not relevant.

if you didn't use such a bitter, cruel tone?

Badfic made us bitter and cruel. If they stopped writing badfic, we would stop kicking puppies.

And yes, I know your goal is not to gain respect,

So why have you wasted our time?

but people care more about the advice of people they respect

How tedious and futile such an attempt would be. It's much easier and more enjoyable to make fun of them. 

--and so, if you want to improve upon the horrible fanfiction works
 
We have passed that point. Now, we want to mock and laugh.

of the little fangirls,

Hypocrisy is an ugly thing, pretty. At least we are open in our scorn.

you really should change your approach.

It has worked for us thus far.

Being needlessly cruel for your own enjoyment,

Into everyone's life a little rain must fall, Pretty. And if we can get enjoyment out of it, that's a win-win.

when it really does not help to better others' fanfiction stories, is selfish.

Oh, Pretty, if we didn't think you were a pretentious asshat, that would be devastating.

And more from our friend, Lauren, also known as Fanbrat, a self-hating lesbian:

Yes it is amusing to see some one humiliated on the internet,

At least we agree on something.

get your facts straight, i'm not a homophobe
 
We assume that someone using derogatory names for a minority group is, in fact, a homophobe.

instead I decided that I would call YOU faggots.
 
And that is not the act of a homophobe.

I have girlfriend thank you very much.

You're welcome. Although we don't think that you'll have one long if you persist in your homophobic behavior.

And no I don't have a fanfiction account and I don't plan to,

We suspect you may have not been entirely truthful here.

I actually found your name while looking up spoorkers in the fanfiction world. 

An unnecessarily lengthy explaination for an irrelevant detail. Again, we suspect you are being less than forthcoming.

Thats all it is an entirely different world set aside from reality,

We hadn't noticed.

your fangirlism and attempts to protect S.E. Hinton from the big-bad authors are rather amusing,

If it is amusing, then why are you so angry?

and also reading about mindless tweens polluting the fanfiction world.

Perhaps you should read The Elements of Style, instead.

Don't correct my grammer or spelling,
 
Someone needs to.

I understand you want to feel good about yourself

Actually, we have no ego. It was stolen by badfic.

but could you please for the love of God

God loves homosexuals, too, you know.

be mindless idiots in a less anoying manner?

It's shooting fish in a barrel.

Go on now, enjoy the rest of your life

We will.

just hanging out on your soap
 
That would be slippery.

(NOTICE THE SPACE I AM PUTTING IN BETWEEN THE WORDS)box.

And shouting makes us take you so much more seriously, Pretty. Quite a tantrum you are taking there.

And another little anon mouse creeped out from its hole:

I love how you don't realize your pretty much doing the same exact thing the authors you bashed are doing. 

Pretty, we don't rail against the fanbrats, they bring themselves here for fun and games. If they don't have fun, we can hardly be blamed.
 

Tags:

The Return/Revenge of NOADS

Did you miss us, pretties?

No?

Ah, well, we didn't want to be dragged out of retirement, either. But, it's spring, and all over the country, fanbrats have discovered Ms. Hinton's work.

And desecrated it with their badfic.

We were practically forced out of retirement from the screams of horror rising from across the land. We have polished our sporks and are ready for heaping helpings of badfic.

But to whet your appetites, enjoy this private message we received:

Dear NOADS

We aren't anyone's "dear" anything. Ask the fanbrats. Also, "NOADS" should be followed by either a colon or comma.

Get of your soap-box

Soapbox is one word, and we happen to like it up here. The view is lovely. Also, we know that "off" is difficult to spell, but do try harder next time.

and stop thinking you run the Outsiders fanfiction world, your not that great.

This might be true, but at least we know the difference between "you're" and "your," which you apparently do not. 

Please tell us when the irony of you commanding us to be less commanding strikes you. We'll be waiting.

Kick-stones faggots.

You're a homophobe. We certainly will take you seriously now. We always take advice from people who hate other people because of things out of their control, such as gender, sexual preference and ethnicity. Oh, and we simply adore people who use pejoratives.

And if you are going to be a hatemonger, at least be grammatically correct about it. People might take your screwy ideas a tad more seriously ... or not.

-Lauren

Lauren, we dub thee Fanbrat.

And, from the same person, at this entry:

She just wrote the storey that defines Mary-Sues and OOCing characters!

It's spelled "story." And now, she's agreeing with us. We're just waiting for her head to start spinning 360 degrees and for her to start puking pea soup.

Fuck I knew there was a reason why I don't read fanfiction.

Yet, she managed to find us. We wonder how. Actually, we don't care.

Her lack to understand that she sucks is rather amusing though.

It's always amusing when it's someone else, isn't pretty? Which one of your stories did we spork? Come, now, you can tell your old friends NOADS. Don't be shy.


This, for some unfathomable reason, was centered. We frankly have no idea why anyone would read even a picture book and think that centering text is the proper way to format it. It makes it difficult to read. Not that this is really worth reading.

However, we haven't tortured Johnny and Dallas for a while, so ...

I just sporked.

That was a short private message. Hardly even worth mentioning.

I still sporked.

Okay, fine. You can go.

Really?

Really.

Fine. Let's blow this popsicle stand, Johnny.

Wait.

Wait what?

I don't want to spork either.

We said you could leave, Dallas. Not Johnny.

You're pulling my leg, right?

If we were pulling anything, Dallas, it wouldn't be your leg.

*winces*

I ain't leaving Johnny behind.

Then you'll have to spork, won't you?

I really hate you.

We know.

I'd be nervous if I were you.

We're thrilled.

You're nuts.

This is chapter eight of New Year and New Love for the Greasers  by fanfics for my friends,  formerly JohnnyCakesWifey.

Shall we start?

Let's not and say we did.

I kinda agree with Dally.

Too bad your opinions don't count.

-1(Adrianna’s POV)

POV tags.

Warning, Will Robinson, warning.

"ADRIANNA MISSING COMMA JOHNNY MISSING COMMA WHY THE HELL IS THIS HOUSE SO DIRTY? I TOLD YOU TWO TO CLEAN! CLEAN THIS DUMP SMELLS HORRIBLE" Screamed my
"mothers" voice.

We also note a missing apostrophe and a missing subject.

Johnny has a sister?

Johnny has a sister.

*facepalm* I do not have a sister.

You do have a mother with a disembodied voice, though.

My mother and father are known to me and Leah as "Bitch and Bastard". Of course Johnny never heard us say that.

Because they don't exist, so he can't hear them say anything.

If I had a sister, she wouldn't talk like that.

If you had a sister, and she talked like that, I'd slap her.

"Maybe because it smells like SMOKE and BOOZE" I muttered

No comma and random capitalization of words.

She likes screaming?

She hasn't found the italics button.

"Adrianna, please just try to clean up a little" Johnny said nervously

I am not a twitchy little coward.

For the record?

Yes.

Duly noted.

*snip for wangst and slurred screaming*

"Adrianna MISSING COMMA PLEASE! I know you don’t want to MISSING COMMA but please MISSING COMMA for me." Johnny cried nervously

I'm not -

Yeah, we know.

I looked at my brother, I couldn’t believe this I don’t get why he cares about our parents so much. But for him I’d clean, I know that when my father gets home and it isn’t clean, sure ill get hit maybe slapped over the head a few times, but I could take that. But Johnny, well Johnny would get it worse. WAY worse, dad would hit Johnny over the head with whatever he could pick up or whatever was in his hand. I hate watching my brother get hit, especially when its partly my fault.

What a selfish little bitch; she knows her brother will be abused if she doesn't clean, but she still refuses until he begs her.

I'd rather be hit than have her for a sister.

I'd rather hit her.

I bent down to start cleaning.

"Thank you, thank you so much" Said Johnny relieved

I'm not -

We know.

*snip for domestic violence, which the fanbitch accordingly butchers in an effort to make you feel bad for her character and admire her insouciance in repeatedly calling her parents a bitch and bastard, because that's impressive. Really*

"Go first Johnny, you in more danger then I am" I said

I'm not -

We know.

I know.

I heard my fathers foot steps coming up the steps.

It's a good thing the rest of him wasn't coming up, too, or else he might beat the tar out of them.

"JOHNNY AND ADRIANA GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE NOW" he yelled

The lack of punctuation is quite alarming.

And the lack of me caring is ...

Normal.

"Adrianna im not playing get yourself out now. Im not leaving until you do" Johnny said

Apostrophes, bitch! Apostrophes!

Calm down, NOADS.

Yeah, you don't want to abuse punctuation again.

*calming breaths*

For someone who is nervous a lot, you can never tell. Johnny mayMISSING SPACEbe small but is tuff as hell.

And we should believe this statement after you had him shivering and shaking like a ...

Don't say it.

Kicked puppy.

Assholes.

*snip for Johnny getting hit, silently despite the constant yelling that occurred before this*

I knocked until Darry opened the door.

"Oh my God Johnny what happened to your eye?!" Darry’s voice boomed

Gee, Darry, I wonder what happened.

Darry would know better than to ask.

We would hope so.

"MY dad happened" I said

I watched Leah come down stairs.

"Oh my Goodness" she gasped looking at Johnny

Then she ran away.

Drama queen.

Even when you're playing the abused puppy, you don't get the spotlight, Johnny.

I hate fan fiction.

*snip Sodapop coming in and Leah, who apparently is another Curtis sister, playing nurse*

They looked at each other for a long time. Johnny’s ears turned red and Leah flushed slightly. There was a loud bang and the door swung open. In walked Dallas Winston. I found myself blushing a little. He walked in as cool as ever.

I am cool.

You think.

*whistles*

Not saying anything, Johnny?

I don't have a death wish.

Canonically, you do.

I'd like it to be quick and clean.

It'd get us out of this fic.

We should do it.

*snip for Dallas swearing vengeance - we didn't see that one coming - and Johnny, well, begging him not to do anything; also, Cade!Sister is wet in the panties for Dallas*

She's not the only one.

Oh, we know. New Dallymances are written every day.

*scowls*

He was so tuff, kind of reminded me of the guy version of me. He was cute, but tuff, yet still defended the people he cared about. A lot like me. Now I’m finding myself having a crush on Dallas Winston. Wow.

There's no one else like me. Bitch.

Harsh, Dallas.

Go fuck yourself, NOADS.

*snip for squeeing over Dallas, because, really, it's gotten all sorts of old by now*

I blushed, this feeling was new im not the type of girl who falls for boys. I don’t have crushes I’m too tuff for this!

Because most teenage girls wish they were immune to crushing.

I'm not your average guy.

You're not our anything.

Remember that.

"Yeah.. Just shhhhh don’t tell anyone! Especially Katie and Johnny." I said seriously

"Katie? Shes our best friend." Leah said "and Johnny’s your brother"

No, I am not.

"Katie is ALSO Dally’s sister and Johnny also will kick Dally’s ass" I said

Shit, I have a sister, too!

It looks like everyone has sisters.

Is this a parody?

We wish.

Leah laughed at the thought of Johnny and Dally.

"SERIOSULY! Pinky promise me!" I said holding out my pinky.

"Do you promise? Tyleah Curtis?" I said

Leah rolled her eyes at the use of her full name and stuck out her pinky.

"I promise" She said

You must be kidding me. Tell me you're kidding me.

We wish.

Beggars would ride ...

Speaking of rides, we're out of here.

Okay with me.

What about us?

*disappear*

Alone again.

Case File No. 6: YAOIXRULES42


Once upon a time, in the kingdom of fic, there was a girl who had a poor grasp of grammar and a fetish for imagining young and not-yet-masculine boys get it on with each other. Her name was YAOIXRULES42 because she was unoriginal and she liked to shout at people over the internet.

YAOIXRULES thought it would be good to write a fic that featured sensitive Ponyboy Curtis being harshly treated by his brother, Darry, sending him headlong into the arms of Randy Adderson.

 

Read more...Collapse )

JohnnyCakesWifey looks like she really has some mileage in her, badfic warriors.

Another of our brotherhood reviewed her piece of shit, New Year and New Love for the Greasers, and received a most amusing response.

They forwarded it to us for LULZ:

Ok so first of all. There was a reason why i wrote the story in that gramatical format.

Because you don't understand the importance of capitalizing "I"?

Simply because 1960's Tulsa, females considered Greaser Girls,

Greaser girls doesn't need to be capitalized, and you've misplaced the commas. We suspect there may be a reason behind these "deliberate" grammatical errors you are not telling us.

were not as edjucated

How sad. Were they not well educated, either?

as others and simply didn't worry about spelling or gramitcal errors.

Or you might just be a moron. We're pretty sure it's choice B.

Second, fantasies? Are you serious?

You really love to ask that, don't you? You simply can't wrap your mind around the concept that you might not be anywhere near as wonderful as mommy and daddy have been telling you all these years, can you?

Um, i hate to break it to you, but the story was based on more then "fantasies".

It also was based on the fact that C. Thomas Howell and Matt Dillon are extremely attractive.

A heck of alot of people have always asked me

"Why do you insist on pissing on Susie's work?"

"what do you think would happen if any of the Greasers dated each otehrs sisters?",

No, they didn't. Don't even try to bullshit us that this has happened with anyone other than you and your friends.

therefore, I wrote a story about it, using me and my friends

"In a completely shameless self-insert fic, which you should like. Why don't you want to read a story about me and my friends making out with famous act - um, fictional characters? Waaah, you're mean!"

name and each Greaser we loved.

Do you realize these are fictional characters and that C. Thomas is old enough to be your father? Luckily for him, he now has the knowledge to make you disappear. Would that he would do that to all fanbrats.

So therefore this istn based on private fantasies, I simply wrote a story answering questions.

The complete and total denial and self-delusion baffles us.

Keep it offline?

Yes, please.

What is FanFiction about?

Imagining the canon characters in new and different situations and their reactions to said situations?

You can write a FAN fiction about anything you want.

With that attitude, it's not much of a fan fiction.

So who are you to tell someone what they can and cant writeabout?

Critics.

POV tags are there for a reason thankyou very much.

Yes, because you are a lazy writer with no talent.

When people asked me the question you wtrote above, they ALSO said they wanted to see it from each persons point of view.

You mean your friends wanted to see blow-by-blow details of them making out with their favorite greasers.

Obviously, a story like this is rarely written

Actually, it is written far too often.

therefore in my opinion point of view tags are needed.

Again, because you aren't talented or devoted enough to establish point of view without them.

Hannah Montana? Are you serious?

No, dawg, we been yanking yer chain. It's off da hook! 

Calm that one down, you really took time out your life to insult someone calling it constructive critism. I think not.

No, sadly, you do not think. We've not seen such a concentrated amount of stupid anywhere recently. It's quite amazing, actually.

Cosntuctive critism does not involve insulting ones intelligence.

Too bad you don't have any to insult.

Therefore write another review without insults.

Only when you write a fic that is good.

Thankyou for your time.

Thank you for the LULZ.

Your the only bad review ive EVER gotten on ANY of my stories, thus far.

That's about to change, pretty.

Also, if you dont like the story or how its written. Then here's an idea. DONT READ IT.

Don't want criticism? Oh, here is an idea - don't post it.

Truthfully, I really dont like the point of view tags being there,

Then don't use them. Moron.

because it takes too much time to try and switch up each persons point of veiw.

Re-writing the scene from four different points of view isn't anywhere near as tiresome as reading the same thing four times in a row.

But I do still write them because my readers

Translation: Her friends.

like to know who is thinking and saying what.

Too bad you are unable to convey what the characters are thinking and saying through your writing. You can even do that all through one point of view character.

And how each character feels about the situation at hand. And Besides not everyone can pick up whose saying what in a story that has over 4characters.

If you can't keep track of all of your characters, then you have too many.

Thankyou for your time. Have a Nice day.

The sincerity ... it's just not there.

We even made mention in her author’s profile:

Heres an important note:

How important is it, pretty? Earth-shattering?

If you dont like someones story.

Sentence fragment.

Do NOT leave a review saying stuff that isnt going to help them make it better.

Translation: If it isn’t butterflies and unicorns, I don’t want to hear it.

Theres no point. Your wasting time.

But the LULZ, we enjoy them.

IF you dont like MY stories, leave me a private message and ill see what ill make it better.

Hahahaha ... You just don’t want potential readers seeing bad reviews. You can’t fool us.

My best friend Adrianna got some really nasty reviews on her fan fiction but a person by the name of NOADS?

Yes?

Well to be quite honest.

Pretty, you need a pause there, not a full stop.

Noone cares about your opinion.

Your friend did. She took her story down.

If someone is writing something for their friends.

You really can’t perceive the difference between a period and a comma, can you?

Then why read it if your not their friend?

Because you posted it publicly?

Its not meant for you?

If it is private, we suggest you insure your privacy by trading them via email. Of course, you would lose those squeeing reviews. Then again, you only average 2.5 reviews per chapter anyway, anyway. The fandom, it is trying to tell you something.

So why are you taking precious time out your worthless life to read it?

And you, in your limitless wisdom, get to decide who is worthless and who is not? What a high opinion you have of yourself, pretty. Have you always been an egomanic?

If you dont like something TUFF deal with it and move on.

Tuff: We don’t think that word means what you think it means, pretty.

There is no point in wasting anyones time with your worthless opinions.

If any of us had a heart, we are sure it would be broken by that razor-edged salvo.

They mean nothing to most people.

It meant a lot to your friend.

This is ONLINE life. Therefore, the stuff that occurs online Doesn't define who and how you are. the REAL world does.

Such a philosopher at such a young age. Did you figure that out all by yourself, pretty?

Here’s some more fanbrattiness as an extra special treat.  

We couldn’t remember who in the hell PonyGurl2410 was, but we knew she would be a new source of LULZ when we received their first message, directly related to this piece of crap – The Perfect Girl. It is a rapefic, and it abuses apostrophes.

Well, I'm sorry you don't like my story.

You learned how to use an apostrophe! Oh blessed day!

Some of your points are valid and I'm not going to respond to those ones because I have nothing to say.

Translation: I have no rebuttal.

However, in the 60's, when the Bond movies first came out, the women were ALL wearing short shorts.

Because, of course, Hollywood is where we should take our cues on how ordinary people look and dress. And you wouldn’t find any misogynistic material sexually objectifying women in a James Bond movie! Perish the thought.

In the 60's there was a Nair commercial in which the women not only wore short shorts but also sang a song I am fairly certain you're familiar with. It goes like this: "I wear short shorts, you wear short shorts, who wears short shorts."

You know, we always take fashion advice on how much leg to flash from a company which sells depilatory products for your legs. And, of course, we completely trust a company which markets a similar product to children aged ten to fifteen, called "Pretty." Because every ten-year-old girl should wax her legs.

Now, if you don't like my story that's fine.

If you really thought that, you wouldn’t have written this review reply.

You don't have to read it, it's really quite simple.

We would prefer not to read a fic that glorifies rape and callously uses it as a plot device, but then who would tell you what a disgusting little pervert you are?

If you want to REVIEW and not FLAME then go right ahead.

We’ll do as we please, thanks anyway.

There were plenty of ways to say what you wanted to say that would have been - oh, I don't know - respectful.

We’ll make a deal with you – you start treating the subject of rape in a respectful manner, and we will consider not loathing you.

And for this one, 
One of the Gang:

So, I have two stories and you read both of them knowing full well that you don't like my writing. That makes perfect sense!

About as much sense are your little rant. We must have really pissed you off. We giggle.

What does it matter that social services wouldn't let boys and girls share a room?

It matters to the suspension of disbelief.

Who says that Curtis' didn't pretend she slept in Darry's room and that Darry slept in the living room when they come to inspect?

You didn’t, author. If that was your intention, you should have written it. Mean what you write, write what you mean.

Or, and this is even more obvious, I made this story up because I wanted to and that was what I wanted in my story?

What is obvious is that you don’t give a damn about writing a good story, but you are extremely asshurt when someone calls you on it.

I didn't write it for you,

If you had, it would have been good.

so, please, tell me why you're taking my stories so personally?

Because you glorify rape and objectify women, and in a young girl, that is frightening.

If you weren't taking them personally you wouldn't have gotten so angry so don't pretend that you don't care.

We do care. We care about good writing, and we care about sensitive topics being written about in a respectful manner.

If you don't care, why take the time out of your, what I'm sure is a very busy, day?

Because you need a good talking to, young lady! Apparently, your parents are too busy to realize you are writing rapefics, so we guess it’s up to us.

Or for the LULZ.

Whichever.

Please take you're

Your.

bad attitude somewhere far away from me because I don't need that.

The truth hurts, pretty.

I'm going to block you so don't bother responding.

Translation: "I can’t heeear you! Lalalalala!"

If you leave an anonymous flame then I'm going to turn off anonymous reviews.

Wouldn't the smart action be to disable it now? Of course, you’ve not demonstrated much in the smarts department. She’s almost inviting us to review her again.

And, from her author’s profile (and she really should link to us, it’s only polite):

I don't like mouthy or rude people commenting on my stories.

We don’t like badfic authors. We suppose that makes us even.

Sure I will take some constructive chritisisim.

We don’t know what "chritisisim" is, but we are fairly certain you are incapable of taking criticism.

But I will not let people bitch me out.

Asshurt!

So please, don't be mean or rude or whatever and write things like that on my stories.

Or what? You’ll block us because you can’t handle the truth?

I was thirteen and I didn't know any better haha.

Thirteen, and she didn’t know rape was wrong? It was funny, even? You sad, sick, twisted little girl.

Which means if I was thirteen now, that still does not mean you bitch out a thirteen year old, 'cause your definitley tough there.

Oh, the defiant attitude. It’s so contrived.

Oh and by the way, anyone who does write rude or mean things, I will report them.

Good luck with that one. We heard the last time ff.net actually did anything, it was booting Cassie Clare.

If you don't like the stories people write, don't comment.

Translation: I can’t deal with anything but unilateral praise.

Once again, a little but of CONSTRUCTIVE chritisisim is okay.

Didn’t you just say it wasn’t?

So anyways, I just wanted to say that.

Definitely asshurt.

We have to admit, we've been a bit lazy lately. The shit continued to pile up, and we didn't shovel. We're sorry, badfic warriors. How can we call ourselves your generals when we have abandoned the battle?

However, one known to you, but whose screen name will go unmentioned to protect him from fanbratty tantrums, has been fighting the good fight. He has not been alone. We feel a tiny flicker of warmth in the cavernous black hole of our collective heart when we think of the good work done by the badfic warriors.

Because of the efforts by the brave badfic killers, "Brothers and Sisters" by DallyWinstonsWifey, was brought to our attention. We would link it, but it has already been killed. A moment of silence, please. 

However, she left a lovely author's note on why she decided to delete this story. We would like to tell you she realized that it was hopelessly bad and she needed to make serious revisions.

But we would be lying. 

Us in bold, fanbrat in normal. One ... two ... three ... launch!

Umm...I had to delete it, I was getting reviews. 

No, actually, you were finally getting concrit. The shock to your fanbrat mind - we can't imagine it. Mostly because we can't imagine being a fanbrat.

And I mean reviews as in bad ones. Okay I know you all are gonna think 'NO! SHE CAN'T DELETE! OVER SOME CRAPPY REVIEWS!?' 

Uh ... no, actually, we weren't thinking that at all. We were thinking  you don't need that extra exclamation point in the middle of the sentence.

Okay no that is not the full case just the part of it. Even I have a breaking point and that breaking point was reached.

The utter lack of commas may force us to our breaking point.

Apparently people weren't taught if you don't like something to leave it alone.

Actually, no, we weren't. We were taught to poke at it until it broke or to stage a bloodless coup. Just consider yourself lucky we chose the former and not the latter. 

I got reviews on saying how childish I was

We saw your author's note, and we think the assessment was accurate. Sadly, you have bah-leeted (tm) the story, so we can not spork it here. However, there was the section which mentioned beating those who would offer you critique with a metal baseball bat. You must admit, that's not exactly the most mature reaction.

and how this is just some fandom but no it is not! I had so much fun me and my friends would talk on AIM as we wrote now I can't do that anymore. 

You could. Just don't post your crapfic anymore, and everyone will be happy.

Some of these reviews just left me in tears

Do you hear that? It's the sound of the world's smallest violin playing "My Heart Pumps Purple Piss For You."

and I'm pretty sure the person who did it to me laughed their ass off. 

It really wasn't that funny. We got much more mileage out of Ivy and Two-Bitty. At most, we snerked a little.

No I'm not happy I have to delete. 

Strangely enough, we are rather happy that you've chosen to delete. 

As a matter of fact I'm crying as I write this right now. I just learned this morning that my story was published on a worst fan fiction site. 

That generally happens when your fic sucks, pretty.

Now how do you think that's gonna affect me?

Um ... it will stop you from writing? *crosses fingers*

I thought about this for an hour last night on how I should just delete. I knew no one was gonna care 

Oh, how right you were, pretty.

so I thought 'Hey, I might as well just get rid of it and revise it and put up a new one.' Don't worry guys this story will be back, and it'll be successful! 

AGGHH! NO! 

...

...

...

Ah, well, if it's as bad as what you've previously posted, then we won't have to worry about anything more than badfic eyeburn.

I just thought I was entitled to write to this site 

Hmmm ... didn't read that one in the Bill of Rights. Hold on a minute ...

Okay, speech ... press ... religion ... keep and bear arms ... assembly ... petition ... freedom from search and seizure ... cruel and unusual punishment ... self-incrimination ... 

*snip! for length and fanbrat incomprehension*

Nothing there about being entitled to inflict bad fanfic on others via the internet.

Of course, the founding fathers didn't know about the internet. 

and share with my friends and share with other people who WANT to read it.

Trust us, only your friends wanted to read it. Of the fifteen reviews you had, we think maybe five or six were positive. The fandom, it is trying to tell you something.

According to the reviews no one wants to read it but they keep on reading so how about that!? 

No one really wants to see decapitated and dismembered corpses, either, but how many times have you seen people rubbernecking at accidents? The compulsion to see just how bad is compelling.

Okay I'm done talking about this I'm gonna get even more upset 

Upset enough to threaten us with bodily harm?

and yeah...but I promise you all that like me, 

All two of you.

I WILL be back. Adrianna's gonna be back and with a kick ass story!!

Be still our hearts.

However, you will note
JohnnyCakesWifey is referenced as the fanbrat gone wild in the case file title. 

We received a juicy, delightfully outraged private message from DallyWinstonsWifey's friend, JohnnyCakesWifey. Please note the originality in their choice of names. 

We immediately saw the potential for spork and snerk. This came to us as a Block Paragraph of Doom (tm), which we have broken up to save you from eyeburn.

I love your inconsiderate critical analysis of other people's work. 

Another fan? Thank you.

Yeah ok your SUPPOSED to tell people what you think of their sotries. 

And you are supposed to use good grammar. But yes, that is the purpose of the site. Your intelligence is only matched by your grammatical ability.

TO HELP them.

To help them do what? Realize their writing is crap? We pretty much do that already.

You didnthat at ALL.

Yeah, we did. Didn't she delete it?

How are you supposed to make her story better by tearing it down 

How else are we to show her that she's doing it wrong?

are you serious? 

As a heart attack.

My best friend is an excellent writer? 

See, even you aren't sure of the truth of that statement.

Physoco little twerps? are you serious? 

Are you repetitive?

twerps, if your going to try and insult us, please use current insults. 

Next time, we will be sure to speak in your language. How's "Hai! U R beeyotches, lol. kthanxbye!"

Your attempt at name calling is a disgrace. Please try again and come harder. 

Let us explain this to you slowly: No one else is masturbating to your fantasies about the Outsiders characters. No one else. Just you. We will not "come harder." We are more than a little disturbed at your request. 

If it was so bad, what was the point of reading it?

Two words: Train wreck.

Just to have your sorry opinions head because noone else in the REAL world cares about them?

Your friend seemed to care a great deal. We guess she isn't a member of the real world.

I love this quote of yours 

You seem to enjoy quite a bit of our work.

"In addition, why would these boys have any interest in hanging with their younger sisters?", have you READ The Outsiders

Many times, which is why we understand the book is about male friendship.

As far as the Curtis's 

Curtises.

go, they HAVE to stick together so who else would they hang out. 

Oh, we don't know ... their friends? Ponyboy even mentions in the book he has friends from school.

Johnny Cade would be especially likely to hang out with his younger sister 

Johnny Cade didn't have a younger sister.

because he didn't haveanyone else blood related to cling to.

We seem to remember Johnny clinging to his parents - you know, his blood relatives. It even set Dallas off on a rant, if we remember correctly, which we do.

And if you have read The Outsiders

Didn't we already say we had? 

you would know that when Steve's cousin came to visit, the boys hung out with her as well. 

The book only said that when they interacted with her, they treated her well. It didn't say they hung out.

That quote was clear opinion DEFINATLY not fact. 

We agree with you in that it's your opinion, and certainly not fact.

Girls didn't associate with boys? 

No, not in the way they do today, they didn't.

Once again, in The Outsiders book, remeber when Ponyboy refrenced the GREASER GIRLS?! Remeber how often Sylvia, Sandy and Evie were spoken about. 

Spoken being the key term. They never showed up in the book, because they didn't hang out with the boys on a causal basis.

Obviously boys and girls associated in some way shape or form or else we wouldnt BE HERE. 

Yes, boys and girls did date. This was the primary way in which they socialized. Your ignorance of 1960s social customs and mores is showing.

"Also, Tyleah and Adrianna are names that would have been practically non-existent in 1966." Depending on the location, that is a flase statement. 

Well, at least it's not a false statement.

Maybe in Tulsa Oklahoma in the 1960's. 

How about anywhere in the county? Tyleah hasn't been one of the 1,000 most popular names for girls in the last 50 years. Adrianna didn't even show up until 1977, and its highest ranking was 156 in 1997. Don't take our word for it - go check the Social Security website.

Tyleah is a form of TALIA which is a very common name if you DONT know. 

We didn't, since Talia didn't show up until 1977 either, and its highest ranking was 333 in 2004. You fail again. 

You know, in order to avoid looking like a complete moron, you might want to try not talking out of your ass. Just a suggestion.

"Johnny is shy, he doesn't "full on tackle" people, especially girls, of whom he is a little afraid. He is eyegougingly out of character here." How do you know if Johnny Cade didn't have a sister he wouldnt tackle her? 

But he doesn't have a sister.

YES it is very true, Johnny was a very shy person,

For disliking us so much, you seem to agree with us quite often.

but around those he was comfortable he would talk and joke around.

No he wouldn't. Several times in the book, it is mentioned Johnny is quiet even around the gang. At one point, Two-Bit says Johnny and Ponyboy must have interesting conversations, because neither of them speak, and, at another, Ponyboy says the gang thought they were doing quite well if they were able to get Johnny to joke at all.

Have you read the Outsiders? 

Wouldnt Johnny feel comfortable around hsi sister? I think so.

Ah, fanbrat, what you think and what is reality is two different things.

"Point of view tags are lazy writing. If you can't tip the audience to who is narrating with your writing, guess what? Yes, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!" People have their different styles of writing. I use Point of View tags. So the hell what. 

Go to a library or a bookstore. Pick up a book. Open it. Check for point of view tags. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. 

Yes, you are doing it wrong!

"Those who are truly capable of bringing the hurt do not need to advertise it. In canon, you don't see Dallas running around going "PH3R ME!!" 

PH3R ME? Are you serious? 

Actually, no, we were being facetious with our use of netspeak. 

How hypocritical, you dont even spell properly yet you want to critisize osomeone on their writing.  

... Says the person who misspells "don't," "criticism" and "someone." We won't even point out the numerous other times you've misspelled words in this message.

"All this entire thing is your self inserts going "HUR HUR HUR HUR! DALLY IS SO HOT! PONYBOY IS SO HOT! JOHNNY IS SO HOT! I HOPE HE LIKES ME! HUR HUR HUR HUR!"" Hur hur? Ok clarify what Hur hur means, and THEN we'll discuss that one. That was comepletely insignificant and made little to NO sense.  

Much like your friend's fic. Hur hur hur.

"Do you have ANY idea how often this is done? This fandom does NOT need another lame, badly done rendition of this tired old tune." Last time i checked, fandom was what the fans WANTED to write, 

Fandom: I do not think it means what you think it means.

regardless if its an "old tune" as you say. Do you have any idea of how unintelligent you look taking time out your life to say write a full page on what you dont like? 

This message is 868 words long. Do you have any idea of how unintelligent you look taking time out of your life to write two full pages on something you don't like?

Seriously, please go read a book, preferably The Outsiders, because by this review you OBVIOUSLY dont know what the hell your talking about. 

The stupidity ... it would burn if we weren't laughing so hard. 

We have to ask: In your world, if you say something enough times, does it come true?

"And you bring in the canon characters to repeat the summary of the premise of the book, which everyone knows and to have them drooling over your self insert" Are oyu angry that noone really cares about the other characters in the book? The entire Outsiders story is based around Ponyboy, Johnny and Dallas. 

We have no idea what you are trying to say here. Your grammar and writing are so incomprehensible we can't understand what you are trying to say. That's special, right there. 

Badfic warriors, do you know what this fanbrat is trying to say?

"This is a trainwreck. If you want to write for your friends, then keep it to yourselves. Trust us, no one cares about your private fantasies, and no one wants to read it." Obviously someone who WANTED to read it was you. or else we wouldnt be having this conversation,now would we? 

We don't converse with fanbrats. We spork them.

Please take your sorry excuses for reviews somewhere else. Reviews are meant for CONSTRUCTIVE critizism.

We think you are confusing constructive criticism with asskissing.

Obviously name calling is not included in that catagory. 

We are confused. You started this message by telling us our insults weren't ghetto enough, now you're telling us not to bother? Make up your mind.

If you dont like the story, leave it alone without your input. Noone on here cares about your  input. 

Since you've been yammering at us for approximately 700 words, we suspect you do care. 

Of course, we won't leave it alone. Where else would we get our regular servings of fanbrattiness?

Stay Gold. You need to, you a sad soul to see. 

You grammar know not.

PS: If you want to try to write back. Please try to write back with at least a SEMI intellegnt response. 

Unlike your response?

Forget the name calling, its just going to make you look inadequate compared to the way I type. 

Hahahahahaha ... Inadequate we may be, but at least we realize the difference between "its" and "it's." By the way, you should have used "it's." We'd explain it to you, but our explanation might be inadequate.

You can write a review to my stories if you want to, 

You just want more reviews. You won't trick us that easily.

none of the things you say will affect me in any, way, shape, or form. 

Too bad, because we could have helped you with your comma problem. 

Better yet, how about i just block you so i wont have to waste even MORE time replying to your stupidity.

You are afraid we'll review, aren't you?