Neglected Outsiders Anti-Defamation Society

For your convenience, dear badfic warriors, we present you with the following review, which can be adjusted to suit your badfic needs.

Dear Suethor,

You have created a badfic. 

(Dallas/Darry/Johnny/Ponyboy/Sodapop/Steve/Two-Bit) is horribly out of character. 

He would not (fall inexplicably into puppy love/abuse Ponyboy from "his" armchair while reading the paper/inexplicably forget about his shyness and distrust of strangers/become emo and start cutting/forget his girlfriend and/or heartbreak over said girlfriend and fall for a Mary Sue/become a sad little abused woobie/act like a stupid, drunken clown). Go back to the source material and re-read. Take notes on said greaser's characterization.

In addition to failing at the characterization of the aforementioned greaser, your character is a (Rebel!/Emo!/Mother!/Helpless!/Goth!/Asskicking!Action!/Soc!/Bleeding!Heart!)Mary Sue. 

A Mary Sue is an idealized character. She is the author's attempt to insert herself into the story. Mary Sues are blatantly obvious and annoying to the reader because their characterization is flat, they are the focus of the story instead of the characters which fans want to read about and the author refuses to give them flaws or make them fallible in any way. 

She is perfect, and everyone loves her. A character like this is extremely hard for a skilled writer to make likable and impossible for an unskilled writer. You fall in the later category. 

Also, your plotting abilities are weak. Your plot (drags/skips from scene to scene without explanation/introduces elements without explanation and/or follow up/doesn't have a direction). An outline, instead of "pulling it from your @ss," so to speak, would help immeasurably. You are failing around, and it shows.

You also have atrocious grammar. Grammar is important, because if you have bad grammar, it makes readers doubt your writing abilities, and rightfully so. If you don't practice care in this most basic part of the writing craft, what is to make us believe you would practice it anywhere else?

It doesn't matter that you've said (this fic is AU/no flames/don't like, don't read/my story, I'll do what I want/shut up you stupid hater meanies), this fic doesn't deliver for the reader, despite the three repeat reviewers who write grammatically incorrect sentence fragments telling you to update soon, plz.

Either improve this or chop this. Do it because you want to honor what Susie did, not because you want to share your fantasies of sexing up Matt Dillon, who would likely be uninterested in your jailbait @ss anyway. He has a Cameron Diaz-level of standards.

Love,

A badfic warrior 

We are a group of Outsiders fans. Some of us have cherished Susie's work for many years, while others are newcomers to the fandom. We all have something in common: We are canon and grammar nazis, and we don't give a shit about your tender feelings, especially when you visit an abortion of a fic on a fandom which has far too many already.

We like to think of ourselves as a team of battlefield surgeons, going from one wounded, pitiful fic to another. Some of them still have a pulse and will make it to triage. There are others for whom we can only give a hit of morphine to ease their gory deaths, because they are dreadful abominations which should have never been put to paper, let alone seen the light of the internet.

Yes, we are fic killers, and it brings us no shame.

There are people who have no talent for writing. One could explain the Holy Trinity (character, plot, technique) of writing to them again and again, but it will never sink into their thick skulls. Not only do they enjoy mediocritcy, they wallow in it. We call these loathsome, slinking, stinking creatures fanbrats.

Like calls to like, and the fanbrats gang together like lemmings or schools of fish. They compliment each other's horrid piles of steaming shit and are terrified to speak the truth -- it stinks worse than a three-day-old corpse left in a sauna. The truth might expose them to the slings and arrows of truth themselves, and not only are they thin-skinned, they know, deep down, in their secret heart of hearts ... they just aren't any good.

An honest assessment of their writing is to a fanbrat as sunlight is to a vampire: They crumble before it.

The maladies "creative writing" suffers under the torturous attentions of fanbrats are many; no plotting, bad premise, out-of-character, poor pacing and two-dimensional characterization chief among them. Yet, point this out, and fanbrats shriek like banshees: It's their story, and they'll do what they want. Unfortunately, what they want to do is suck like a vacuum cleaner set on high.

If a fic can be saved or a writer has potential -- a good grasp of prose, perhaps, despite a terrible execution -- we give concrit. It is harsh and it is no bullshit, but it's there.

Many times, those we find plying their pathetic wares on ff.net are rank amateurs who absolutely lack talent. We tell them so, and we tell them why we disliked their story. Why should we not? They have opened themselves to the opinions of anyone with a modem and a mouse when they posted it publicly. We have no doubt they expected praise, but what of it?

Small children leave their stockings pinned to the mantle on Christmas in the expectation there will be toys and candy in the morning, but if mommy or daddy drank up the welfare check, Santa isn't going to make that stop. The world is a cruel place sometimes, and none of us are guaranteed an easy time of it.

What we are not is your friend, your mother or your father, your teacher or even your beta. We have no obligation to be nice to you or couch our criticisms or opinions of the dreadful word spew you call a story in polite terms.

Let us repeat ourselves: We have no obligation to be nice to you.

Even the stupidest of you can understand that, can't you? 

We accepted no onus or burden to be kind or even helpful in our criticism. If we don't like your story, we will say so, despite whatever arguments you might muster on why we should be nice to you, offer you helpful criticism and warm your bottle up to room temperature. No matter the mewlings, we are not going to change our minds and tearfully plead your forgiveness on bended knee whilst crying out "mea culpa."

Regardless of whether you suddenly decide all criticism must be polite or it must teach the recipient something (despite the fact the recipient will more than likely recoil in horror at the idea someone thought their keyboard-mashing attack on the English language was less than stellar), that is not so. You can not dictate the terms of how one might react to any story you submit to a public forum. The sole control you have is whether you choose to make your writing public or not.

If you can not resolve yourself to the fact someone in this great big ol' world of ours will be less than orgasmic on reading your turd of a story, then we suggest you not put yourself through the wringer by putting it on a public site where big meanie heads like us might click on it and tell you exactly why it's a piece of shit.

In the immortal words of Dallas Winston: We're never nice.  

 

 

This fic was so atrocious, we needed a whole cast of guest sporkers. May we introduce the newly formed Greasers Against Badfic?

( Meet the officers ...  )

Nothing of much worth here ... unless you're interested in tortured souls ... 

EDIT: We despise the way LJ plays havoc with our formatting. We'd move to JournalFen, if it wasn't so much work and we weren't so lazy. Hopefully, this is easier to take, now. The spork, not the badfic.

 

We knew this glorious day would come -- one in which a fanbrat, driven into a batshit fury, would attempt to spork us.

You see, if fanbrats were at all witty or intelligent, they would be among the ranks of the badfic warriors, not throwing temper tantrums because someone didn't like their friends' sucky fic. Since a great many fanbrats have a lemming mentality, it doesn't surprise us they are driven into paroxysms of anger when someone points out their emperor is without clothes.

Sadly, we had to check our review history before we could remember what fic it was that we hit. It was Curtis and Cade in CANADA by ponyboysgurl14.

You will note the very next reviewer, Sodasgirl27, has an absolute shit fit, blathering about creativity. You'll note that theme in this anon comment.

Oh, Sodasgirl27, you foolish, foolish child, you have put yourself squarely in our sights. Her fic, A Place in This World, is not very good, but we've never seen a badfic author who understood criticism. Hmm ... funny how such authors never get any better.

On to the spork. Our original review is in normal font, she'll be in italics and we'll be in bold, as always.

EDIT: We fixed the havoc LJ played with the formatting. *shake fists at LiveJournalI*

Rape is a serious subject. It's a horrible thing to happen to anyone, and even we here at NOADS, whom have been accused of heartlessness, feel for those who have been subjected to this very intimate assault of the mind and psyche.

We like to think that makes us a little better than the fanbrats (we may have to steal byebyebirdie's term "fanbitches" for the more fervent of the flock) who use rape rather callously as a plot device. 

The most common use of these is either in hurt/comfort fics, where a current squeeze of one of the Outsiders gang (or someone whom one of the gang would like to have as a squeeze) is raped and can only be brought back to her normal self through her chosen greaser's healing love, or as an introduction for Mary Sue, who is tragically raped and/or beaten and thus must be tenderly carrried off to the Curtises' house.

These fics are never realistic in that none of these girls are ever taken to the hospital for their injuries, and the police are never contacted in order to arrest the rapist (Mary Sue's troo lub greaser -- usually Dallas -- swears, and often exacts, vengeance). The Curtises' magic couch heals all.

The attackers are usually Socs, and it's never explained why a young man of good background would want to endanger not only his reputation, but his liberty, by raping a girl of the lower social class (usually on a public street corner and sometimes in broad daylight). 

Some times there is a nod to reality by having the Socs be drunk and out looking for greasers to jump, a plan which they abandon the moment they lay eyes on Mary Sue's extraordinary beauty and are overcome with lust. Sometimes, with the better fanbrat writers (and how we cringe having to say that) they have the forethought to drag their prey into a nearby Convenient Dark Alley (tm).

If the perpetrator is not a Soc, he is usually either Mary Sue's evil father or stepfather, who regularly abuses her until Mary Sue is tired of his constant, lecherous attentions and either runs away or weepingly admits the abuse to her astonished boyfriend.

If she runs away, she will run from a small town (however, New York also is a popular choice, for obvious reasons), usually (but not always) far away from Tulsa. Despite not having known anyone from Tulsa (unless she's from New York, in which case she's usually an old flame of Dallas'), Mary Sue will decide to wander into town and have a look-see, usually running into a marauding band of Socs. Of course, she is then carried away to the magic couch, and blah, blah, blah .... 

If she does the "big reveal," her greasy love will either be totally shocked because she hid it so well or his suspicions will be immediately confirmed, depending on whether OMG! Teh Wangst! (tm) has been drawn out over one chapter or several. 

Regardless of whether she runs away or not, her evil stepfather will likely be forgotten or fall into a plot hole. Oh, her beloved grease may fume and swear and threaten to break him in half, but he usually doesn't do anything, unless he's Dallas. If it is Dallas, he'll get into a fight or almost get into a fight, usually causing a tiff between himself and Mary Sue which may or may not be resolved with some healing sex.

Now you might be smiling and nodding along by this point -- and Mary Sue's shenangians are funny in a bumbling sort of way, we admit. However, it's time to talk about what rape is really like. It's not all angst used to focus attention and sympathy on a whiney, bitchy little self-insert with the same level of empathy as the sludge you find in the drain catcher in the shower. 

Women don't get raped because they "asked for it," they were wearing the wrong sorts of clothes or because some man was overcome with lust. (We are aware that males also can be raped, but will be addressing female rape, because it is what is largely depicted in the fandom. Anyone with thoughts, observations, etc. on male rape are welcome to add those in comments.)

Women get raped because a predator in human guise sees a woman in the wrong place at wrong time and she either appears to be a) vulnerable; b) fits an archetype; or c) both. 

Rape is not about sex. There are some rapists who are unable to even become erect and use a foreign object to abuse their victims. A group of young men in New Jersey used a miniature baseball bat and a whiffle ball bat to rape a teenaged girl with the mentality of a child; a serial killer once used an iron bed post, killing his victim. 

Why do we use such shocking examples? To stress the point that rape is not about sex. Don't confuse the two. Rape is about power and subjugation. Motivation for this is varied; every predator has a different reason. Most will not stop unless caught. Some have normal sexual relations with willing partners. Others are unable to do so. 

We're not so much interested in the whys and hows -- most fanfic writers have sensibilities that are too delicate to even delve into those things or to show the actual act itself. Most fade to black after Mary Sue's clothes have been crudely torn from her trembling alabaster form, and we suppose that is a mercy.

We are more concerned with the reactions from Mary Sue in all her incarnations. Now, there's no "right" way to react to rape, so perhaps saying the reactions of the characters are off isn't exactly what we are angling for here. Although we are heartily tired of Mary Sue either having a nervous breakdown or being oh-so-tough and shrugging it off. 

A little variety, a little realism might be in order. Mary Sue going to the hospital, Mary Sue agonizing over whether she goes to the police or not, Mary Sue dealing with the fall out, maybe going to therapy, feeling weird or different around her friends, scared of intimacy with her greasy boyfriend, even. 

However, what really gets our goat is why little Miss Sue is raped. Not because the author thought "what would the gang do if one of their sisters/friends/girlfriends were raped? How would they react? What would it do to their perceptions of male/female relationships? Would they stand behind her or would they think she'd brought it on herself? Would the police look as hard for the rapist of a greaser girl as they would a Soc girl? In fact, how would the socioeconomic factor weigh in?"

No, they do it because they think it will make the readers feel sorry for their Sue or they use it to wedge their Sue into the gang, because, hey! anyone who finds a girl beaten, raped and bloody along the street or in a vacant lot is going to take her home instead of to the hospital or call the police. 

We hate it in the case of the "instant-pity" plot point because it doesn't make the reader feel bad for Sue. We are very aware of the fact that Sue is fictional and the author is attempting to manipulate us into liking her, because she can't be bothered to build a character whom we will like. It's taking a short cut, it's bad writing and, worst of all, it's completely disrespectful toward the experience of rape. 

We hate it in the case of wedging Sue into the Outsiders world because there are many, many ways for Sue to wander into the neighborhood -- gasp! maybe she's always lived there, but really wasn't on Ponyboy's radar for one reason or another! -- and we had rather read one hundred "new-girl-moves-in-next-door-to-the-Curtises" fics than one "new-girl-in-town-gets-raped-then-found-by-the-gang-and-carried-to-the-magic-couch" fic. Again, a short cut, bad writing and disrespectful. 

Can a good rapefic (in the sense that it is realistic and respectful) be written? Yes, but it would take more research, thought and effort than any fanbrat is willing to put into it.

We were going to do an update on some amazing developments in some of those who have been the objects of our harsh critiques and who have either replied positively or have repented of their former fanbratiness. 

We must admit, we were bowled over at the sudden upsurge of positivity. What if we were no longer regarded as fanfiction pariahs or outsiders? What if, suddenly and without our knowledge, we had become respectable? Our words heeded for the advice they are? 

What would we do?

Barring that, we were going to write an essay on why using rape as a plot point (but not a device, for the love of Sodapop Curtis!) should be treated carefully and researched.

We are still going to get to these things, pretties, because even we, the black-hearted and soulless scoundrels we are, have the grace to hand out kudos to those who deserve it. Also, we're really tired of reading rapefics.

However, we received messages from our new procurer of fanbratty tantrums -- Allzstar, in which she shows herself to not only be totally taken aback by our cleverness, but to be a flipped out and possibly violent psychopath. 

Okay, okay, it's an insult to psychopaths -- they are much more intelligent and controlled than Allzstar. What we mean to say is that she threw one of the most epic tantrums we've ever had the delight of seeing. We laughed out loud many times.

We'll be in bold, as per the course. Before she decided to totally lose her mind, she sent us a private message in which she agreed with our assessment of "Crashing, Burning and Being Saved," the author of which, iluvdally, has responded to criticism with a great deal more grace and maturity than Allzstar. Kudos, iluvdally. Look for a message from us soon.

Anyway, she then retiterated her "forumula for concrit." We have no doubt she had some high school course in creative writing where all the unathletic kids wrote emo poetry for their failed hippie teacher, and that is where she got it. It would boggle the mind that she believes this is the only way to give concrit, but it's Allzstar -- it's her way or the highway. What a sad day it will be for her when she realizes the real world doesn't owe her praise.

Anyway, on to the LULZ:

I still think you are incredibly mean and rude.

And we still don't care.

If you're going to criticize,

We are.

do it nicely, 

How are you going to make us?

otherwise people aren't going to care what you have to say

Like you? With your repeated private messages? And lengthy, at that? If you truly didn't care, you wouldn't bother, so why do you waste your time and ours by claiming that you don't? It's all too obvious that you are deeply hurt. Our review is probably the first time in your life that you haven't been told that you're all sunshine and rainbows.

and you'll get messages like these from other authors 

If we were worried about fanbrat tantrums, we would have quit a long time ago.

who think you are being immature and unthoughtful, 

Actually, we put a great deal of thought into the review we left you, and it seems you've spent a great deal of time thinking about it.

not to mention careless.

We must argue our own case here.  We are many unpleasant things, but careless is not one of them. 

Do you even care that you are hurting people's feelings? 

No.

Why do you always call stories "a mess"? 

Because they are.

You called mine "a mess" 

Because it was an awful Mary-Sue story, riddled with cliches.

and you called the Crashing, Burning story or whatever it's called

We see that you have made yourself familar with our work. Too bad you haven't bothered to do the same with the title of a fanfic whose author you no doubt hope to align yourself with. 

Too bad you can't approach crit with the same level-headedness that iluvdally has already displayed.

 "a mess". 

American style: Period goes inside the quotation marks.

If you are going to criticize, do it nicely, politely,

What are you going to do if we don't?

point out the problems in a humanly manner

"Humanly"? It gives us a headache to try and figure out what you fanbrats are saying. You mean "humanely"?

and get a better, kinder vocabulary. 

We have a far-reaching, extensive vocabulary. We just chose to use it on the deserving.

No one likes a bully, 

Foresooth, we are heart broken. See? We told you.

We also might point out that Allzstar leaves reviews consisting of telling the authors that their stories suck and the writing is terrible, with nary a single positive remark, making her a hypocrite of the very worst sort. And we have links.

When she says that people should review using nice remark-crit-nice remark, what she means is that everyone else should do that to her fics. Being the superior being that she is, she needn't extend the same courtesy to anyone else.

and that's what you are becoming. 

You mean we haven't bowed down and worshipped the icon of fanfiction that is Allzstar, and that makes us  horrible, mean, no good people? If you had come out in the defense of others, instead of yourself, we'd take you that much more seriously. As it is, you agreed with us. We guess it's okay to be a bully, unless we're doing it to you, right?

An internet bully. 

Is that better or worse than a schoolyard bully?

Good luck, 

We make our own luck.

my "friend", 

Again, punctuation inside the quotation marks. You know, when you pontificate, it has the unfortunate -- and we are sure, unintended -- side affect of making you sound like a pompous ass? You have none of the sense of the ridiculous, self-deprication and sardonic that makes our little bon mots so delightful. You need to leave it in the hands of the experts, pretty.

you are going to need it.

*Yawn* Is that a threat?

She either followed the link in our profile or googled herself (we are betting on this one -- it fits our preconcieved notion of her as a self-important little fanbrat, and we dearly hate to be disabused of our preconcieved notions), and just went completely batshit. She's even threatened to sick the "internet officials" on us. 

Can you rupture something sporfling?

Fuck You, Bitches.

Ah, honesty at last. We must point out, however, that only "fuck" should be capitalized. Also, we don't cop to a gender, so "bitches" is inaccuarate. Perhaps "motherfuckers" would be more appropriate?

I can't believe it. I cannot believe this at all.

HAHAHAHA! Believe it, fanbrat. You have entered our playground of your own violation. Sorry you were curious enough to click the link, aren't you?

I am not going to stand for this.

Are you going to lay down for it?

Abuse over the internet.

No, if we were constantly private messaging you -- as you do to us -- then that would be abuse. We don't seek you out. We are not in contact with you. You are the one who insists on contacting us. Thanks for the material, by the way.

I am "blown away" by your lack of a life,

Is that the best you can do? Fail.

or if you actually do have one you spend it hurting other people. 

Maybe if we speak in its native language? Hai, plz to be making sense, kthanx, lol.

I don't see you writing any stories on fan fic.

Ah, the ever popular, "you don't write, so you can't concrit" rant. Allzstar's rants are just as full of cliches as her stories. Who woulda thunk?

You have no fan fics whatsoever. 

Again, your mastery of the obvious is impressive. Sort of. In a vague kind of way.

Who are you to flame other people when you have nothing to show for yourself? 

We prefer the term "harsh concrit." A flame would simply point out that you are a screeching little harpy with no talent. See the difference?

Neglected Outsiders Anti-Defamation Society my ass. 

We reside in Sheol, actually. We're pretty sure that is marginally better than your ass. Of course, wouldn't it be ironic justice if Sheol were up a fanbrat's butt?

Susie's characters; yeah, S.E. Hinton's original characters are used;

"... but that's not the point! The point is my ultra-awesome, omg, so supa-speschul and sparky Mary Sue! The canon characters are just an afterthought to ensure gullible fans of the book review my fic. DUH!!!eleventy-one111!"

I was talking about my characters, you "dolt".

No kidding? We were pointing out your arrogance in completely neglecting to mention the canon characters in your little tantrum.

This is unjust 

What you did to Ponyboy is unjust.

and hurt full

What you did to the readers of your fic is hurtful.

and I don't care if you don't care

Which is why you sent us this Block Paragraph of Doom (tm)?

it's the truth. 

Truth is a matter of perception. For example, our truth is that you are a whiney little fanbrat who can't get over the fact that we didn't like your fic, which not only was a mess, but was a trainwreck of epic proportions. Honestly, an albino!dwarf!ninja!Sue?

Your truth probably centers around a helpless young girl with amazing writing skills who is mercilessly and unjustly attacked by a group of black-hearted, grinchy, jealous haters for no discernable reason.

See? You're a Mary Sue even in your own mind.

And don't you dare call me a "fanbrat". 

Fanbrat. Fanbrat. Fanbrat.

You're the one to talk, bitch. 

Again, we are a non-gendered plural. Please keep that in mind when insulting us.

And how old are you? 13? 12? 

Our individual or collective ages?

That's how old you sound.

How old do you think you sound now? Also, just so you know that we, too, are capable of description, we are imagining you face down on a carpet, legs and arms failing in a tantrum and face red as you scream and cry.  

I am 18, FYI, if that's so important for you. 

Not to us, but apparently to you. A moment of silence for all non-fanbratty teenagers, please?

I don't know what else to say. I am speechless.

Speechless? Somehow, we doubt it.

You have no idea how pissed off I am right now. 

You have no idea how amused we are right now.

I know you don't have the heart to care, 

True. Badfic stole our souls.

but so help me 

We tried; you didn't listen.

if you post this 

You already did, on a public web site. Any messages you send to us become our property to do with what we see fit. Didn't you cotton on to that when Hilary Clinton's letters to her old college buddy were printed?

or make fun of me in any other way

What are you going to do, run to your mommy? When you are "eighteen years old"?

I am reporting you

For what? Making you look like an utter prat? You did that all by yourself just fine, and what we are doing isn't illegal anyway.

to whoever deals with internet abuse at the authorities' office.

We must admit, this is the line at which we laughed hardest. 

At first, we imagined some mythical internet authorities' office with an Odin-like abuse control officer. 

Then, we imagined the fanbrat going to her local police department, clutching printouts of her sporked messages. Of course the police are going to drop investigating drug rings and stopping drunken drivers, because someone made Allzstar look bad over the internet!

I am sick and tired of your shit, your smart-ass replies and your negativity. 

Technically, we never replied to you; we just mocked you in a public forum. However, we aren't sick of your tantrums yet. If we spork you again, will you flip out again?

Fuck You, Bitches.

We are rendered stunned and helpless by your extraordinary debate skills.

We wait with baited breath for her next salvo. We are sure she will succeed in making herself look an even bigger fool. She's talented at that, at least.

,

Once apon a time, there was a suethor named Allzstar. Allzstar received many reviews and thought her fic good. In fact, she received so many simpering reviews she believed herself to be qualified to critique others' fics. 

Silly girl. That is what we at NOADS are here for; intrude not on our playground. 

We reviewed ... and waited ... and waited some more. Was Allzstar smart enough to ignore us and deny us the pleasure of taking a hot, fresh spork to her mewlings? We craved new fanbrat meat -- Two-Bitty was played out, and fanficqueen had not lived up to her early potential. 

We were jittering like junkies in need of another hit. Then we had to face it -- we are junkies, and we needed our fix of fanbrattiness.

Fret not, pretties, for would we have opened a case file without goodies? Allzstar has most graciously provided us with rantings and ravings aplenty. 

And we thought Thanksgiving had past.

As per the course, we'll be in bold, thank you kindly, pretties.

Well the thing is: I wouldn't be so ** off at you if you'd been nice instead of starting with "This is a real mess". 

And we should care that you're upset, because ... ?

Not only did it make me upset and angry, it hurts to have people just suddenly come out of nowhere and trash my
story without being nice and polite. 

So if we'd been polite about trashing your story, you would have been more receptive?

With constructive critism, 

What is this "critism" thing you speak of? Is it related to "criticism"?

you start with a compliment, then the critique, then another compliment. 

We are blown away. You can't spell "criticism," but you can spell "critique"?! What the hell?! 

That way the person you are critiquing will feel good and complimented 

Again, we care about this because why? We don't give a shit about stroking your ego, we care about you looking at your fic in a new way -- one in which all your fondest fantasies aren't draped over cartoon sketches of the Outsiders characters. In short, we want you to see what we see. If we include a bunch of rainbows-and-sunshine bullshit, that is the only thing that you will see. 

And that, pretties, defeats the point of the exercise.

but also will gratefully accept the advice. 

A fanbrat gratefully accepting advice? Where are our ice skates?

With YOU, you were extremely rude and mean 

So what?

and I don't feel like taking any of your suggestions/advice to tell the truth. 

To tell the truth, we aren't surprised. You wouldn't have taken them had they been sugarcoated, either. You don't want to consider the fact that your writing might be less than stellar. 

And that is why you will never be any more than a so-so writer.

Mars on Fire and A Sideways Smile were nice about it, 

Bully for them.

offered some good advice without being hurtful and mean 

We prefer to say "brutually honest." It has a ring to it, don't you think?

and I'm starting to take their advice and nod my head to some things they pointed out because of it. 

Does "nod my head" translate into "take a serious look at the numerous cliches riddling my writing"?

Anyway, in my defense,

As if you have one.

I would like to say that my main female character's name is SABRINA. 

In all caps like that, too?

It is common

Not really, but you've already proven that research isn't your strong point.

and not too flashy or boyish.

A matter of opinion, pretty.

Her nickname is Saber, and the nickname for her nickname is Sabertooth.

She has a nickname ... of her nickname? How many times can we boggle in one post?

And yes, she is 4 foot 7 inches 

Do you realized that you've created the first dwarf!Sue we've ever seen? You do get points for that.

and would not be able to reach a 6 foot tall guy's head, 

No, really?

but did I SAY that she punched him in the head? NO. She could have slugged him in the stomach, winded him, then punched him down. 

She would be impeded by her arm length, which given her size, would be much less than that of a six-foot-tall man. She wouldn't be able to get close enough to punch him in the stomach, you dolt.

It all strategy.

Indeed.

Some people like to have something to visualize when they are reading. 

We never visualize what we're reading. Much less messier that way.

I for one, hate it when authors do not describe their characters. 

Such a young fanbrat to be so earnestly pontificating. That's our job, pretty.

Look at the Outsiders; Ponyboy descibes himself and all his friends in great detail in the
very first chapter. 

He spends one to two sentences on their physical appearances, with the greatest attention spent on their personalities and histories. You spend a whole paragraph on your Sue's appearance. 

S.E. Hinton, you are not.

Different authors have different ways of writing; 

Your skillful handling of the obvious -- is that part of your style of writing?

it's completely up to them and nothing you can stop. 

Sadly, it isn't. We know; we've tried.

Deal with it.

We did, with our review. Did you appreciate our method of dealing with it?

Yeah, Saber has a medical condition.

Really, if you are going to insist on calling her Saber, we are going to insist on not taking you seriously.

Lots of people have medical conditions. Big deal; I don't see the problem with it.

If it were only a detail, instead of a plot point, it truly wouldn't be a big deal. Of course you don't see the problem with it. Your inability to objectively look at your work is what inhibits your ability to grow as a writer, you poor, stunted fanbrat.

POV tags are something I have all the right to put on my stories. 

And we have all the right to point at you, laugh and mock.

It's my story, my choice, my characters. 

Susie's characters.

How else are you supposed to know who's narrating?

Good writing?

It would be confusing and no one would understand and then I'd get reviews like "Whose POV is this in?" BLAH BLAH BLAH. No thanks.

Because we all know how much you hate to hear anything less than praise.

I spelt Curly the right way, FYI and thank you very much.

FYI: You spelled it "Curley" at least once. And, why, yes, you may thank us for our insights.

ANYONE can trip over a branch will jumping out of a tree; it has nothing to do with their athletic ability.

Yet, your Sue didn't. We wonder.

I must say that you made quite the fool out of yourself here. 

Did we, O Wise One?

You were rude

Possible.

and childish 

Always.

and immediately made me ** off,

What of it?

and therefore I could care less what you have to say. 

Which is why you sent us the block paragraph of doom? To show us how much you really, really, really didn't care?

Reading the first chapter and then going into a whole rant pointing out things that are fine and have nothing wrong with them 

"Things that are fine and have nothing wrong with them" -- this is why you suck. You can't wrap your little simpering mind around the fact that you are not the best thing since sliced bread.

does not make you sound superior. 

It just makes us sound right.

I hope you let off some steam with this review so you can leave me alone, 

Are you kidding? After this? You're our new dealer, baby!

because frankly, I care more about the dirt under my feet than what you have to say. 

Did you send the dirt a private message, too?

In the future, you might want to read the whole story before ** to the author about it. 

Why would we waste our time slogging through all of that dreck? We only had to read the first chapter to see that it was utter piss. The first paragraph, actually.

You sound like some thirteen year old kid 

You, of course, are vastly mature and have left thirteen far behind you. 

Or you'd like to give us that impression, anyway.

who has no idea what he's/she's talking about

Hahahaha ... oh, you're serious? Oh, that makes it even more funny.

and is mad because they just got grounded or something. Grow up. 

Shut up ... something something something ... throw up, and you went around the corner and licked it up.

Nobody appreciates rude reviewers; 

All too true, sadly. We are unloved. Where's our woe cake?

you're going to have people hating on you 

People hating us over the internet -- excuse us while we go look for a rope and a convenient light fixture.

and making you feel like an ugly prick if you keep this up.

We already do. We feel just like an unlucky penis infected with the clap. 

Good luck.

With what? Dealing with your passive-aggressive behavior? We won't need luck, just a lot of cheap liquor.

AllzStar

Fanbrat.

Man, this fanbrat is persistant. She follows us about, sending us a flurry of private messages and chiding us for being mean to the other fanbrats.

What can we say? We suppose we're guilty as charged, if being mean consists of giving criticism without kissing ass. 

As always, we'll be in bold. Strap in tight, pretties, 'cause away we go!

Once again! 

Once again, you've used a sentance fragment?

You think it's nice to give horrible reviews!

Our reviews are quite instructional, although we admit the tone of them is less than concilatory. We don't think it's nice, we think it's necessary.

You have way too much time on your hands!

Perhaps. It seems that you do as well.

Either that or you have no life!

Of course, no one who offers constructive criticism has a life. Better tell that to all the newspaper, magazine and book editors. They'll be crushed over your views, we're sure.

Sure this might not be one of those 'wow she totally screwed me' things, but i'm not trying to make it so it's like that.

We wish you'd try to make it so it's like we can understand what the hell you are saying.
 
What i'm trying to say is someday you're going to be wishing you weren't so god damn rude!

No, we won't. What are you going to do, hunt us down? 

And another salvo:

Oh, and by the way, where are YOUR stories?

Ooooh! Straight to our collective chest. We are so injured. Really. 

And we reviewed her travesty of a story, "It Ain't Fair Until Your Brother's There." We can't be bothered to link it, because it sucks, okay? Go search it out, if you want, but don't come whining to us if you get badfic eyeburn. We warned you.  

Okay, first of all, I would like to thank you for reviewing my story. 

We know. You like to see that review number go up, regardless of whether or not it's a good review.

Not many people tell me what is wrong with it when they review, 

Which is why you continue to write shit.

they just tell me they like it and to update soon, 

Pretties, that is what fanbrats usually do. They have no spine, so they simper about how good your story is in the hopes that you will simper back.

so I enjoy reading you criticism.

We suspect that you are lying. This is too long for a simple "thanks for giving me actual concrit" message.

Second, I didn't say she was related to the curtises because she isn't. 

No kidding. That is why we seriously doubt the State of New York would send your Mary Sue to live with them. It's called irony, fanbrat.

if you actually read the whole story, then reviewed you might understand it!

If you wrote better, then we might understand it.

As for the social worker, I don't care how old they are suppose to be.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* The stupid, it burns.

I made it so she was however old I made her to be, 

Department of Redunancy Department calling!

because i wanted her to be that age, and i don't care if this is a run on sentance or doesn't make sense.

Yeah, it's totally not cool to care if your reader can understand what you are trying to say. After all, it's not about clearly communicating your ideas, it's about ... shit, we don't know what it's about. A sugar high? Masturbation fantasy? Wish fulfillment? We don't know and we don't give a shit. 

Please note, however, you can't win an arguement by going, "whine, whine, whine, I don't care, whine, you can't understand me, but whine, whine."

I prefer to "tag" the pov because it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, something you would never feel with that black hole of yours.

Translation: I have no excuse, so I'll insult you instead and hope you get so pissed that you forget that I had no excuse. 

Not working, fanbrat.

Who said i was stealing, i chose most of her traits from my friends.

Sure you did. *pats fanbrat on head*

She hated her parents, she was glad they were dead.

Obviously, you've never had anyone close to you die. Good for you, pretty. However, regardless of her dislike of her parents, their deaths would inspire some sort of emotion in her. The reaction was flat, without even any worry about her future. Not believeable.

Who said i wanted to make this believable?

And who said there is no irony in the world? If it's not believable, at least on some level, what is the point? If you, as an author, is a constant presence in the story, why should anyone read it?

I'm just doing it because i can,

Actually, you can't. Not very well at least.

it's fun, and some people, that aren't so critical, actually like reading it.

And some people like dressing in diapers and being bottle fed. There's no accounting for taste.

Sure she may be a rebel sue, 

She is.

and you may not care a whole lot for her, 

We don't.

but, i just don't care. 

Which is why you wrote a long author's reply to us.

Like i said, most people don't care what you say.

And you are privy to this, how?

Oh, and if you read it properly, it was one of the things that she, as in Lily, had grown close to. Like i would give Dallas a blanket.

We would love to properly understand what you are writing. However, your skill level doesn't allow for it.

As for improving my grammer, you need to improve your reading skills, because that's the second time, at the least, you've read my story wrong.

Again, the fault is on your end, not ours. If you can't manage to write something that is understandable, it's not our fault. Perhaps you should blame the educational system, since you are so fond of blaming others for your mistakes? Because your failure to write a readable story couldn't possibly be because you didn't apply yourself and try to craft a good piece of fiction, could it?

Not real glowing eyes idiot.

Missed a comma there. And really, if it is written that her "eyes glowed" how is the reader supposed to know you meant something else? Write what you mean; mean what you write.

I don't care if there are sleeper trains.

"I don't care, whine, whine, whine, I don't care!" Did you stomp your foot while writing this?

I decided to put her on an uncomfortable train.

Translation: I did no research, and you caught me off guard. I will pull this explaination out of my ass instead of admitting I wasn't aware of this facet of cross-country travel, because I can not admit to even the smallest of mistakes.

Anyway, wouldn't you think that would make her seem more Mary-Sueish (i dont care if thats not a real word)

No, riding in a train with a sleeper car wouldn't have made her a Mary Sue, riding in a train with her own private sleeper car would have made her a Mary Sue. Since she's one anyway, why are you even bringing this up? Do you really think we are convinced that you want to make this character less of a Sue?

As for Tulsa high school, i just made it up. 

No, really?

i didn't really care how many schools there were back then.

"I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, if I keep saying it, maybe someone will believe it!"

I may have lost your attention, and ow, it hurts so bad! How will i ever get over it. . .oh, like i just did.

Which is why you just spent the last half hour writing this review reply. Yes, we are so convinced that you don't care.

Yes, i do like to write whats in my head when i sit at the computer.

It boggles the mind. Really, it does.

I don't remember bragging about my writing abilities.

Maybe because they are nothing to brag about?

But, what about your writing abilities, i haven't seen any of yours at all. 

And you are cursing the fact that you can't revenge-report us, aren't you? The frustration of being able to do nothing to us but send these messages must be just about killing you. We're trying not to laugh in evil delight, but you make it so hard.

Are you to afraid, or do you think no one will care because your an awful *!

ARGH! The bad grammar, it burns us, pretties. If we were truly worried about anyone's reaction, do you think we would review as we do?

Thank you for reviewing!

Thanks for the laugh, we needed it.

*Sigh* You know, back some people up in a corner, and they simply refuse to admit they are wrong. We really must be getting under Two-Bitty's skin, because s/he has posted another reference to us in hir author profile page.

And, still, s/he refuses to link to us. How inconsiderate.

Apparently, NOADS wants to learn my whole life story. 

Actually, we don't give a shit. We merely questioned how the character -- admittedly based on you, but that isn't our fault, now is it? -- could be both Norwegian and British. We're sure your life story will be full of woe and angst, though.

Well... I was born in Oslo, Norway to James(British) and Sarah(Norwegian) Grau. 

So, you're Nowegian of British ancestry. Too bad you don't understand that you can't hold citizenship in three countries at the same time.

At the age of four, my parents were killed in a car accident and I was sent to an orphanage(I know that cause I got the guys down at the orphange to tell me). 

If true, how tragic. Of course, this happens to many people, and they don't demand the world embrace their shitty fanfic because of it. 

At ten, I was moved to America, in Virginia. 

Great, now you've posted all the information anyone would ever need to track you down. Idiot. Good thing this isn't your real life.

Um... what else? 

We don't care. Really. This is as unconvincing as anything else you've written. 

I was adopted by the Gray's, who have two daughters, at the time were six and three(now 17 and 14). 

Dull. Where's our woe cake topped with an angst cherry?

At fifteen, I pushed a bastard out a window and he died, poor soul. 

Too bad violent crimes show up in the many background searches that are done on teachers and anyone else who has shit to do with a school. Those people aren't hired by school boards, by the way.

Um, I was sent to Juvie at fifteen through seventeen, but was given permission to stay through school.

Bullshit. If you are 21 now, you would have been in juvenile detention around 2001-2003. Juvenile detention centers have their own internal schools. The children incarcerated are not allowed to attend school outside of detention because of the escape risk. A child in for a violent crime -- manslaughter -- certainly would not be allowed out to attend school. You obviously don't know jack shit about the criminal detention centers in this country. Or did you committ this crime in Norway?

I was pulled up a couple of grades.

With that grammar? We scoff. 

I got out of Juvie and finished highschool. I went to college and got my degree and now here I am, my first year as a eigth grade English/History teacher. 

Oh, thank God. We were afraid you were an eighth grade English teacher. 

What sort of school doubles up English and history anyway, especially in the days of No Child Left Behind and highly qualified teachers, which are especially stressed in grades six and up? 

With a working knowledge of about 15 different districts in three states, we haven't seen those two subjects doubled up anywhere. English and literature, yes, but not English and history.

I teach my little sister, Fai, who is now 14. 

Poor child. Does she have awful grammar as well?

My brother(15) lives in Kuwait(not real brother, but I think of him just as close or closer). 

Boring. This does not move the story along.

Met my best friend Damon(21 since Aug. 1) while I was an assistant teacher for the seventh grade hallway.

Do you release that sentance reads like you were teaching the hallway? And you expect us to believe that you actually have submitted a resume to a school administrator and were interviewed and hired? Seriously, are you kidding us?

I think that's it.

Thank God. We almost fell asleep.

Happy now?

Not really.

YAY!

BOO!

We also received a private message from Two-Bitty, because s/he seems convinced that if s/he argues hir case well enough, we will be swayed. T-B, we are still convinced that you are a 14-year-old girl, sorry.

Anyway, onto the LOLZ ... 

I tried to set the story in the year the movie was made, 1983.

Yet nowhere is that noted. Also, you might remember that "The Outsiders" is listed in the book category, so most people are working on the assumption that the settings used reflect the book. 

Aaaaaand, the movie is set in 1966. Why on earth would you set it in 1983 and expect anyone to be able to tell unless you firmly set it there. You're saying this because we called you on the anachronisms, aren't you?

My mother was Norwegian and my father was British. Introduced through friends.

Yawn. Don't care. Your wording was clunky and implied your character was a native of two different countries at the same time.

I accidentally pushed a guy out a window and sadly he didn't make it. I don't know how exactly they recorded it. I call it murder, you call is manslaughter, so I may call it manslaughter.

Weren't you there when you were tried, convicted and sentenced to juvenile detention? We are fairly sure they would have told you what you were found guilty of or plead to. Your understanding of that is a fairly important part of the proceedings. That's why the judge asks, "Do you understand the charges against you?"

Soda decided to be annoying to call Two-Bit 'Keith'

Plausible, but not shown in your writing.

I admit I went a little far sayin' "He also had a way of making sure his voice matched the original singers voice and empo exactly" so you got me there.

We respect that; we will respect it even more if a change makes its way into the fic. 

Yes, I am stubborn, gotta prob with it?

What on earth would you do about it if we did?

Sorry for adding an 'e' on 'blond'

Another glimmer of hope.

The Emilio thing? Once again, I tried with the 1983 timing in which he was 25.

No, he wasn't. Emilio Estevez was 20/21 in 1983. He would have been 25/26 in 1988. 

He was born May 12, 1962, and he was 19 years old at the time "The Outsiders" was filmed in the spring of 1982. 

Besides that, he was a virtual unknown in 1983 -- he'd appeared in three television movies and "Tex." He wasn't a cultural reference yet, and would not become one until 1985, the year "St. Elmo's Fire" and "The Breakfast Club" was released -- two years after you claim your fic is set.

You don't know shit about 1966, and you don't know shit about 1983. You are a history teacher?

John Travolta thing? Again, 1983. 

Again, you ret-conned to excuse the anachronisms.

Rocky Horror? Need I say it again?

That you fucked up? You haven't admitted it yet. However, you do think rather fast on your feet. We give you that.
 
Silver mustang? Boredom, don't bug me. I admit I'm not always correct in the history portion of the stories I write. You got me there.

Again, you're a history teacher, yet you are "not always correct in the history portion"? Is it okay for your students to fudge as well? Doesn't matter, really, because if they did, you probably wouldn't pick up on it.

I have slang, and at home it get's the best of me so there goes good grammer.

Do you expect us to take you seriously when you say you are a teacher, when you can't spell the subject you claim to teach correctly? It's grammar -- with an "a." What school do you work for again?

Don't bug me about the way I make Darrel and Steve a little OCC.

A little? They are unrecognizeable as the canon characters. And why shouldn't we bug you? We're here to read fanfiction about Susie's book, not about how awesome you think you are. You're not exactly sly about how you have all the canon characters expressing admiration for your self-insert.

Go ahead and down on all my stories, I'm not gettin' mad anymore.

Another beatiful relationship down the tubes. 

So now that we've tackled the fact that a distressingly large number of people in this fandom masquerade their gay porn as fanfiction in a pathetic attempt to garner more reviews, we will -- with much disgust -- address Curtiscest.

Yes, people are writing fanfic depicting two or more of the Curtis brothers getting it on with each other. 

Now, pretties, incest does bother us, but we think a good story could be constructed using it as a plot point. However, it would require research and skilled writing -- two things 99.9 percent of the writers in this fandom lack. 

A story involving incest -- like one involving rape -- would have to be researched enough to accurately portray the feelings of both abuser and the abused. Yes, that's right, pretties -- we used the words "abuser" and "abused." Why? Because incest is abuse. The abuser uses his/her position of power and trust to violate the abused.

It's not a romantic relationship -- in a healthy romantic relationship, both partners are on a level playing field. There's no romance in fucking your brother, someone with whom you are supposed to have built a sibling relationship and who looks up to you and trusts you. Especially not in the case of Darry/Soda or Darry/Ponyboy, where, if they lose Darry, they will go to a boys' home. That's a powerful motivator to please and puts Darry squarely in the driver's seat.

People are built not to be attracted to their siblings, because when you have incest, you get deformed and mentally retarded children at a much higher rate than in the general population. Genetically, we are built not to get it on with our siblings.

Fine, but there's no Curtis sister to pregnate, you might be saying, if you are one of those sick fuckers who like Curtiscest. No, there isn't, but you know what? Just leave the nice gay people alone, okay? 

Is it not bad enough that most places in America, they can't marry or adopt? That the Boy Scouts won't let a gay man be a pack leader because of the unspoken fear he might molest a cute little Cub Scout? Gay people are fighting enough stereotypes about deviancy. Gays are no more likely to be pervs than straight people, but you wouldn't know it from the huge amounts of brother-on-brother fucking in Curtiscest fics. 

The thing that really pisses us off is that incest is portrayed in a postive light by these authors, as if, because two people are physically attractive, they should be able to have sex with one another with no emotional or legal ramifications despite the fact they are related. Would you fuck your brother or sister? What? Aren't they attractive enough for you?

Incest is not okay. It's just not, no matter what way you slice it or how you try to pretty it up. It's abuse, it's illegal and it's morally wrong. Ponyboy is not going to fall in love with Darry because Darry boned him up the ass. He's far more likely to feel anger, self-hate and shame. He certainly isn't going to cuddle against his chest and call him his Boo-Boo Bear. 

But NOADS (or creeps -- whatever works for you), you might be saying, these are only fictional characters. Why do you care? Well, pretties, there are many reason that we care, and we will numerate them for you. 

Firstly, it's bad characterization -- we've never seen a Curtiscest fic where the characters were in character, and we've never seen a fic where the remainder of the gang -- including whichever brother isn't violating natural law -- wasn't more or less okay with it. This is unrealistic. Would you really applaud one of your friends if they were having an incestious relationship with a sibling? 

We thought so. 

Secondly, it is bad plotting. There is no development and it's usually a case of Darry and Soda catching each other's eye over the chicken and biscuits one night and deciding that they have an incestious passion for each other on the spot. 

There may or may not be angst, but there will be much boysex and fighting between the two. Not fighting as teenage boys would fight, but fighting like girls would fight, because, frankly most guys are not writing incestious gay porn. We wish they would, because they'd probably do a better job at conveying boys' attitudes toward sex and having their bungholes violated by their older brothers. 

Thirdly, this shit is so predictable that if we weren't grinding our teeth in frustration at the stupid bitches who go, "oh my god! C. Thomas Howell and Rob Lowe are soooooo hot! You know you like it and want to see them make sexxors!" we would be yawning. 

Also, we're fairly certain that S.E. Hinton, Francis Ford Coppola and Messers. Howell and Lowe would be squicked out of their minds.

Fourthly, this is a young adult novel. Yeah, there are a lot of serious topics addressed in it, but remember that this is, for a lot of kids, the first schoolbook they pick up that they really like. We mock the shit out of Mary Sues, but we'd far rather have the kiddos come across a millon Sues than an incest fic. 

Seriously, there's enough bad shit in the world without romantizing something this fucking disgusting. Go write your gay porn and give them names like "Dirk Steel" and "Dan Danger," not "Ponyboy" and "Soda." Take your incest and get the fuck out of the fandom, freak.

In more amusing news, teh fanbrats have found us!

In the last installment of "Why NOADS wishes the great majority of the fandom would develop an ugly skin rash and be unable to sit at the computer anymore," we mocked ivy and her Curtiscest fic. We also mocked her fellow fetish writers, pmcurtis and rivergirl. Well, pmcurtis must have googled herself or something, because we got another PM -- as in private message, not Ponyboy Michael.

We'll be in bold, as usual.

FGW Case File No. 2.a: Ivy & the Curtiscest AKA "Call a Waahmbulance."

Just a quick note I hope you'll take the time to read.

What is it with these fanbrats and their mock politeness anymore? Admit it -- you're upset. You wouldn't be writing this otherwise. Wouldn't it be more emotionally honest to start out with "Fuck you"?

I have a grade 4 glioblastoma, 

And that excuses your poor writing and interest in unnatural sexual practices how?

which at times (unfortunately, more often than not) makes me forget certain things...spelling included.  

Spellcheck. Use it. 

Oh, and by the way, you misspelled a great deal of words in your little review that we didn't mock. With "mutiny," it was the combination of misspelling and misuse that made it stand out. You might want to try and stick with words you understand the meanings of. It does you no good to use big words in an effort to make yourself seem smarter if you misuse them. That, ironically enough, just makes you look dumb.

Go ahead.   Laugh at that.

We're far more likely to make fun of your poor writing skills, but thanks for the permission to mock you. Not that we needed it, but we appreciate it anyway.

 For your "group" 

We're a society. That's why it's called the Neglected Outsiders Anti-Defamation Society. See? It says it at the top of the page. Just an FYI. 

to criticize my spelling without fully knowing my situation was inconsiderate, childish, and wrong. 

Well, since you didn't attach a handy biography to your review, we sort of had to work in the dark. In addition to this, we really didn't give a shit.  Why should we be considerate to you? We left a review, and you decided to address us. Why in the name of God should we temper ourselves and make an attempt not to hurt your tender feelings?

Ah, righoutness. Your 'group' is so proud of rightousness. 

What?! Right whatisous? Right-out-ness? SPELL CHECK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, OKAY?

I joined this site because I like to read 

You joined this site because you like to read, huh? Well, you sure got fucked, didn't you? They don't call it the Pit of Voles for nothing.

and at time to try my hand at writing.

Anything but more poorly written slash, incest or Mary Sues, please. Or else we may be forced to review whatever vomitous mess you spew across the screen. 

My doctors informed me that it might also be a good form of therapy for me - to help me with my memory. 

And again, we really don't give a flying fuck at a donut about your personal life. Really, we don't. This just comes off as a sad and pathetic attempt to make us feel guilty for mocking you. Obviously, if it were working, we wouldn't be here.

When will you fanbrats learn? There are four things you pull out in the case of an emergency like this: "Don't like, don't read," your Internet suicide, your Internet lawyer and your Internet disease. "Don't like, don't read" hasn't worked, so you're on option No. 2. 

I didn't join to have a group, like the one you are so proud of, tear apart reviews I leave.  

So what? Like we care what your reasons for joining were? What we care about is the fact that you decided you would defend poor writing, poor characterization and incest in general. You were terribly quick on the offense, but your defense leaves much to be desired. 

In addition, don't think we haven't noticed that you've failed to mention a single word about the incest you were so hot to defend in the beginning. Too bad; that would have been much funnier than you crying over some medical condition we don't give a shit about.

How sad it is when one feels more compassion for a fictional character than for a fellow human being.  

Anyone who thinks that promoting incest in a postive light is okay is not someone we want to consider a fellow human being.

My friends, the people who write these stories are 'PEOPLE - plain ordinary peolple'.  

People who like to read about incest. What is so plain and ordinary about that?

The same as you and me. 

Um, no. We don't enjoy incest and spanking, thanks. You all stay on your side of the line, okay?

Go ahead.  Tear my message apart.  

How can we resist, when you make it so easy?

Repost it in any manner you wish.  

We will.

And laugh until your sides ache.  

That, too.

But, please, stop hurting people without fulling knowing their stories.   

You know, there is something very interesting about the Internet -- a good deal of what you throw up can be seen by anyone, and those people, in many situations, can respond to you. Now, a sensible person, knowing this, would only put out those things that they were comfortable with other people viewing and commenting on. If they didn't feel they could handle that, they wouldn't put it out for public consumption.

We aren't members of the Rainbow Wagon. We aren't here to kiss your boo-boos and make it all better. If you want to get into a pissing match with us, you had better be damn sure to bring it, and something a lot more convincing than this weak attempt at shaming us. Badfic has stolen our souls, and we have no shame or joy. 

When we review, we don't give a shit about your personal life or how it affects what you produce. We care about good writing. We don't confuse the author with the piece, but too many authors confuse critique with personal attacks, and want to bring their personal lives into it to excuse why they don't have proper grammar or why their plot blows. 

We couldn't give the piss of a diseased shithouse rat. We care about the writing and your friend ivy's sucked. Get over it. Not everyone in the world is going to like you, your friends or your digusting little stroke fics. 

Feel free to reply.

Just did, thanks. 

Jeezus, will you people quit fucking writing slash? Because you can't write slash -- you just can't. And not because we said so (oh, how we would love to have that power), but because you SUCK.

Why is "Outsiders" slash written? Is it an intelligent exploration of being gay in the sixties? Is it to see how the characters would react to discovering that they are gay or one of their friends are gay? Is it to put a gay character into the white, straight-male world of "The Outsiders"?

No, you motherfuckers, you couldn't be so inspired or thoughtful. There is one reason "Outsiders" slash is written -- so lame-os who can't find real gay porn can stick a hand down the front of their pants and masturbate at the idea of two hot guys getting it on. 

Let's not think about the fact that this is a book written by a child for children. There's boysex!

Not only is this shit written just for teh ghey pr0n, but the characters are so out of character, it's goddamn sad. None of the "Outsiders" characters -- living in the sexually-repressive early 60s and in the goddamn buckle of the Bible Belt -- even question their friends being gay.

Let us remind you, pretties, that being gay in 1966 Tulsa probably wasn't fun. There were laws against being gay, and it was actually considered a serious mental illness by many people. It wasn't edgey or cool, and your friends didn't ask you for advice on clothes and interior decorating. A person who was homosexual was considered perverse and deviant. 

Would it have been possible for one of the gang to have been gay and out to a select few of his friends -- probably. Unfortunately, we have yet to read an in-character fanfic about one of the gang being gay.

Speaking of, will you people quit using sterotypes about gays to write your fucking fics? And we mean fics in which there is acutal fucking, although we like to use invectives toward them as well. Being gay does not mean you always have to have a top and a bottom. Some gay people, like straight people, enjoy such things, but not all of them, for pete's sweet sake. 

Also, please use lube in your slash fics. For those of you who aren't in the know, your asshole is not self-lubricating like a vagina. Yes, kiddies, that means sex would hurt, both for the person being penatrated and for the person penatrating them -- because without some sort of lubrication to reduce the friction, it hurts. Blood, soft cheeses and water are not lubes. Semen can be used. There are commercial lubricating products, although water-based is preferable to oil-based. 

Fuck up the fucking, and the other slash writers will laugh at you in between furious bouts of masturbating.

Also, stop making the whole damn gang gay. That would not happen. No group of teenage boys spontaeously turns gay. Maybe one or two at the maximum would we believe are gay. Any more than that, and you are bitch-slapping suspension of disbelief, pushing it down the stairs and stealing its wallet. 

One last thing -- if you want to write gay porn, write gay porn. Don't paste the "Outsiders" characters' names on your leads and pretend that it's a fanfic worth reading for anything other than a sad and lonely bout of self love. 

Fanbrats Gone Wild Case File 1.a: The Ongoing Story of Two-Bitty.

Yes, we know, Two-Bitty hates us and has a lot of sock puppets/minions/asskissers. They don't like us. We would express concern, but really, this is too funny. 

Us in bold, Fanficqueen9324 (can be found here, http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1290759/) in normal font.

No Offense, 

Dear one, whenever someone starts a statement with "no offense," they almost always mean to be offensive. It's the same thing as saying "honestly," before you lie. We are offended, though, by your random capitalization.

but i was reading the reviews to Time Is Running Out, and i noticed that you like to leave mean remarks.

We perfer to think of them as "tough love," but go on ...

I also have noticed that you have not written your own stories.

This one is inquistive, isn't she? She managed to click on the link to our profile. It does make her a little smarter than your average fanbrat.

I'm sorry if i am sounding rude,

No, you aren't. If you were, you'd shut up and go away. Silence is golden, children are better seen than heard and all that rubbish. However, you are one of that delightful generation who has embraced self-entitlement as a way of life, and aren't we glad? Because if you weren't, we'd never get such interesting things in our mailbox, and you have to admit this is much more interesting than an ad for Viagara.

but i don't think it is right for you to criticize people brave enough to put there stories up there for practically
the whole world to see, 

What an attentive fanbrat. Yes, posting it on the Internet does make it available to the whole world to see, including those such as ourselves. There may be hope for this one, yet.

and then be pushed to the ground by people who don't even write, and think they are better, 

Better? At what? Grammar? Plot? Characterization? Yes, we are better at this than many of the authors at the Pit of Voles. Again, we are forced to point out that one does not have to create art to recognize it.

or just want to be jerks and give rude remarks, cause they are mad, or **, or do not like the change in plot, or characters.

We don't want to be jerks, per se -- we just don't care if we come off as jerks. The opinion of a 15-year-old schoolgirl in Minnesota may be devastating to some, but not to us. Also, we don't like it when the canon is changed and the characters are OOC. This is true.

No one likes a flamer, which is what you are.

Flamer, flamer, pants on fire! Really, though, if you think we are flamers, you have a rude awakening ahead of you.

Once again, i am sorry to be rude,

And we are sorry you keep repeating yourself. It brings to mind the phrase, "the lady doth protest too much."

 but i just thought i should let you know. 

Know what? We could have lived the rest of our lives in perfect happiness without reading this. Why are you acting as if you are acting in our best interests? And why do you refuse to capitalize "I"?

People respond much better when you aren't rude, 

We'll be sure to keep that in mind, should we ever start caring how anyone responds to our reviews.

hell, half the time they don't even care what you say when you say it like that.  You'd be much better off being rational.

We are perfectly rational. We don't threaten to skin the author's cat and throw it to a group of hungry alligators while he or she watches, for instance. We suspect what you are trying to say here is that we should be nicer; not going to happen.

Also, why don't you write a long story, and tell us how you feel after the first ten thousand words.  

Probably accomplished, we imagine -- as long as it was good.

Would you not begin to feel lazy?  

We're confused. Are you saying it is preferable not to finish things if you become fatigued in the middle? We're fairly certain that, should we invest the time and energy to write a piece of that length, we would not get to the middle and decide, "oh fuck all the work we've already put into this, let's just throw anything down. No one will notice."

Stupid mistakes.

From who? From Two-Bitty? Yes, we agree. 

. . .WHATEVER!  No one cares about those little mistakes, 

We do. Just because you don't, that doesn't mean everyone doesn't. Repeat slowly after us: Not everyone shares my viewpoint. Not everyone will. I must learn to deal with that.

we just want to read them. . . GOD!  

Where?! Oh shit, is he still pissed over that "Tower of Babel/Gilmore Girls" thing?

You need to get a LIFE 

Have one; thanks for sharing your concern. 

and write your OWN story 

But what if we want to critique yours instead?

then tell me how you feel once you've written a TWENTY THOUSAND word story.  

Again, as long as the quality was up to snuff, we'd be a third of the way to writing a novel. We'd probably be quite pleased with ourselves and, God willing, able to take criticism in order to make it good enough to present to others.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to vent about this, 

Vent about what? Your inability to capitalize correctly? We've already done that, but thanks. 
...
OH! You mean, if we want to get into a flame war, pm you? No thanks, we get our kicks above the waistline, Sunshine. 

i honestly wouldn't care either way.

Oh, fanficqueen, somehow we doubt that. We doubt it most sincerely.

Like i said, you are a horrible person to be doing this so. . . 

From being so apologetic to calling us a horrible person(s)? Really, that girl needs her medication adjusted. 

“Have the grace and courage to admit it and consider this a lesson learned.”-Noads

Ouch. Hoisted on our own petard. Somehow, it's not as grave an injury as we are sure that she hoped it would be. Oh well, she went out rather strong for a fanbrat. Kudos. 

Fanbrats Gone Wild Case File No. 2: ivy45663

One ivy45663 (found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/889348/) has written a little gem called "Brotherly Love," (found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3871189/1/) in which Ponyboy and Darry have a passion for each other. 

Yes, Curtiscest. 

Naturally, given our hatred for breaking the laws of nature, which is only second to breaking the laws of grammar, we reviewed. Her fans were not happy. All two of them. We'll still be in bold, thanks.

First, pmcurtis (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1360747/pmcurtis) made a parry: 

I've created a mutany! 

That's nice, dear. As long as you don't go creating any mutinies. I'm sure the captain of whatever ship you are on will be quite displeased.

Keep going.

Please don't. 

As with all your stories, you always develp the characters very well and I'm certain this story will be no different. 

We're sure it will be different, as the characters are all OOC, and it's only the first chapter.

Personally, I enjoyed chapter 1.

You enjoyed a story ... about incest? Remind us never to invite you over to dinner.

If people don't like this type of story, they have no business reading it...or reviewing it. 

So, if people don't enjoy publically posted story which presents one of the most stringent taboos among the human race in a positive light, we shouldn't say anything, because it would distrupt your perverted enjoyment? What planet are you from?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we supposed to be reviewing your writing style, and not if a story contains slash or not? 

You're corrected; you can thank us anytime. All aspects of a story are up for critique, not just the ones you want help with, and trust us, ivy needs help. Mental help.

The writing is supurb. 

The grammar doesn't make us want to scratch our eyes out, we give it that. However, the plotting and characterization are less than "supurb."

Darry is a complex character...as is his relationship with Ponyboy.

Both true. *waits for other shoe to drop*

Who's to say that's not caused by feelings he may have for his little brother?

S.E. Hinton.

It very well can be the cause of the tension they always had between them in the book. 

Maybe, just maybe it's the fact that Darry went from his older brother to his guardian or that their personalities clash. Oh, wait, it can't be such a mundane reason! They secretly long for each other! That's it!

An incredible author is brought to mind, who readers have not "flamed", despite her use of incest. 

We love that it's "despite her use of incest," as if it's nothing at all. Just incest. It's not emotionally scarring or anything. Oh wait, here it comes ...

VC Andrews 

V.C. Andrews? Who are you kidding? Most of those books were ghost-written, and we are sure she received hate mail. Just because there was no Internet, that doesn't mean there wasn't hate mail. 

used it in most of her stories and she has a large fan base. 

V.C. Andrews: Makes Incest Okay!

As I stated before, I enjoyed chapter 1. Thoroughly.

And you disturb us. Thoroughly.

And then rivergirl (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1344635/rivergirl), who has been mocked at the 731 North St. Louis Street community for her spanking fetish fic, "Welcome to My Life," (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3816251/1/Welcome_To_My_Life). In the interest of full disclosure, we will note that pmcurtis is her beta. Interesting how all these folk with common interests come together, hmm?

Just want to congratulate you for taking such a risk.

"Congratulations for making incest sexy! Oh, wait, you didn't. You just grossed a bunch of people out. My bad."

It shows what a determined writer you are. 

Or what a pervert you are. 

While it's easy to write stories that reviewers will rave about, it takes someone with actual talent to write a story that not everyone will agree with. 

What she means, but didn't say clearly, is that it takes a talented writer to write about controversial subjects. Indeed it does, but ivy is not that writer. She a pervert, writing about boys twenty years younger than her getting it on. We could dismiss her as another bad slash author, but she had to pair siblings. *sigh*

I think at one point in time books were actually burned because people couldn't open their minds to something they didn't agree with. 

We will point out that we have no intention, at this time, of burning the Internet. We also will point out that disallowing "Animal Farm" and "A Catcher in the Rye" in schools or the massive book burnings of the Middle Age are poor comparisons to one badfic author receiving a scathing review. Nothing perished, except our sanity.

It's amazing to think that instead of reviewing your writing ability people are reviewing the plot of your story. 

OH GOD, NO! LET'S NOT LOOK AT THE PLOT! NO, NOT THAT!
...
...
Really, don't you realize how silly that sounds? We mean, that is really, really silly. There are no words.

If they have constructive criticism about you writing ability, that's one thing. 

We do. We gave it. You didn't like it.

But if they don't like (or don't agree with) the plot, they don't have to read the story.

Except for the fact she put it on a public site where 13-year-old kids can find it. Go to the greyarchives, why don't you?

Keep going with this.

Why are you encouraging her?

I'm enjoying it and like to find out what happens. 

Do you realize you just wrote that you enjoyed reading about incest? Do your parents know what you are doing on the computer? As to what happens, we'll tell you: boysex.

Your writing flows 

... down the toliet and into the sewers, where it belongs.

and keeps the readers interested. A+

"YAY! A+ for incest, OOC, flat reactions and no character development! Next chapter, boysex! YAY!" 

And finally, we had word from ivy herself:

If you don't like my story don't read it. 

*sigh* They really don't get any smarter or more mature as they get older, do they? If you don't want criticism, don't post it. We would love for you to take your opus down and keep for only those who enjoy imagining a man violating his younger brother in every way possible. Please. Think of the children.

To each his own.

You have got to be fucking kidding us! "To each his own"? Is that your excuse for promoting incest?! Do you have children, you nutball? If so, we hope the local Children's Services agency is onto you, you goddamn pervert.