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Andy Warhol practised artistic license.
E.E. Cummings practised artistic license.
You, fanbrat, do not.
You see, there is a distinct different between yourselves and Messers Warhol and Cummings -- they're artists. Yes, it's true: In order to practise artistic license, one must be an artist. Artist isn't part of the phrase for shits and giggles, pretties.
To be an artist means you have studied your craft, learned it, perfected it. It means you have vision.
Sure, Warhol painted soup cans and made silkscreen prints of celebrities, but that wasn't because he couldn't paint landscapes or portraits. It didn't mean he didn't understand the difference between realism, impressionism, abstractionism and surrealism. It mean he was trying to make a statement with those soup cans and celebrities. Warhol was intrigued by society's obsession with celebrity and branding. He was using art to make people think -- it's what artists do.
Cummings was avant-garde, but that doesn't mean he couldn't write sonnets. He could and did. He didn't just go batshit with syntax, typography, capitalization and spacing -- he also was trying to make a statement. Cumming's poems are meant to be read out loud, and they are meant to be viewed as a visual statement. Cummings also was a visual artist and incorporated it into his poems.
Artists can break the rules because they know the rules. Your ignorance of grammar, characterization, plotting and pacing isn't artistic license, it's ignorance. Call it whatever you like -- using your imagination, creativity, artistic license, it's your story and you'll do what you want with it -- it's ignorance. You may fool other ignorant fools like yourself, but all those who understand the rules and techniques will see your "artistic license" just for what it is: a weak, paper thin excuse to disguise your lack of craft and caring.
Fanbrats =/= artists.
Fanbrats = hacks.
And, now, because we enjoy snark, and this whole essay was a bit too passionately earnest -- we do love our high horse -- let's spork some fanbrats, shall we? First, anonymous:
You need to get a life.
Yawn. You need to get some originality. We've heard that one before. Didn't bother us then; doesn't bother us now.
People writing stories are trying to get constructive criticism that actually helps to improve their stories.
Fanbrats are writing stories to daydream about getting off with a hot guy, and sometimes to actually get off. They wouldn't know concrit if it bit them in the ass, nor would they appreciate it if they received it. We offer constructive criticism in reviews, however, this LJ is our playground, and fanbrats enter of their own accord and take the risk of being exposed to snark and spork if they do so.
You know, in some part I agree with you: if you don't want criticism, then don't post.
Is this the part where we're supposed to start relaxing and believing you've come over to the side of good, before you hit us with some one-two punch of scathingly observant criticism? Because that's our shtick, and you titled this post "GET A FUCKING LIFE!" (in all caps, too, the better to hear you with, grandmother), so we really don't believe you believe what you are saying.
We believe you think criticism is for other people, but you're a speshul snowflake, aren't you, Miss Anonymous?
But you're just bashing them for their beliefs.
Oh, absolutely. We loathe Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Liberals, Republicans, Democrats ... the list goes on. It's a pity you didn't include lifestyle choices, because we hate gays, heterosexual couples living in sin and married couples, too.
Maybe if you were actually helpful
When did we accept an onus to be helpful? Why should we be nice? Because you think so?
they wouldn't get so pissed off about what you're saying.
Why don't you try giving them some honest critique, and see what sort of reaction you get? We assure you, if your review isn't 100% positive, they will whine, then ignore you. They're fanbrats. It's what they do.
And there are WARNINGS for a reason.
You don't say? You know, we've always wanted to master the obvious. Do you give lessons?
If you don't like slash, don't look for slash stories just to bash.
Ah-ha, a slash lover. You don't really care about the poor fanbrats getting sporked and snarked, do you? You're just asshurt because you're under the impression we don't like slash.
You know, we were impressed with your more-than-adequate grammar skills until you showed yourself to be a rabid slash fangirl who apparently can't deal with the fact others might not enjoy the same subgenre you do.
That being said, we've never sporked a story purely on the basis of having a gay sex scene. We've sporked stories on the basis of having poorly written gay sex scenes. We've sporked stories for having poorly written heterosexual sex scenes as well.
Unfortunately for the subgenre of slash, it attracts writers more interested in writing porn than writing actual stories. That wouldn't bother us, but most of it is badly written porn, and that just won't do.
For a good slash story -- although we hesitate to call it that, because of the negative perceptions being attached to that label -- read On the Wrong Side by Hahukum Konn.
If you don't like the pairing, don't read the pairing ... it's easy enough to do.
Again, we don't review based on pairings. We review based on failure to understand the English language and basic writing techniques. It's easy enough to understand.
And, greaserlvr54, who didn't appreciate our review for Growing Up a Winston, which had serious clarity and pacing issues.
There is on purpose for this fanfic,
We're sure there is, pretty.
and that is for the readers of the Shadow Winston Trilogy
... Shadow Winston Trilogy ... dear, sweet Jesus, we think we might need fresh sporks, some bleeprin and obscene amounts of alcoholic drinks. Stat.
to get to know the character Flick better.
We enjoy character pieces; too bad there wasn't anything to enjoy about your fic or your character.
Pardon my French, but don't give me any of that "I don't know about the sixties" **.
Shit isn't French, so why are we pardoning it?
My father tells me all of his stories
Is that where you got your storytelling abilities? You really got screwed, didn't you?
about his life
We're still waiting to see why we should care or how this is pertinent.
while growing up in the queens;
It's not "the queens," it's "Queens," and you misused the semicolon. When you abuse grammar, God gives C. Thomas Howell another grey hair.
where Dally and his family live.
Regardless of your father's stories, your character's behavior wasn't believable as that of a girl in the late 1950s, and hookers did not wear miniskirts which showed their hey-nah-nahs during the period. Listening to family legends doesn't count as research.
Oh, I perfer the term abstract to confusing.
Spellcheck -- when will fanbrats start using it? We don't care what terminology you "perfer" -- whatever that means -- your story was confusing. Abstract isn't a synonym for confusing, nor is your fic nonrepresentational or particularly esoteric.
Mary B
NOADS
And, lastly, this, from Nightwing, who didn't appreciate our comparing her shrill author's rant with a Maury Povich guest-style "fuck you."
Wow u must be really tough! NOT! An overweight person who shops at HotTopic, i guess u must be that person!
You know, we almost consider this a work of self-parodying art. Look at the pure form of it, including the abysmal grammar and the utter lack of originality, humor and wit. Yet, you can sense her rage and hurt. People should be drinking whine and talking about how this has a nonrepresentational, esoteric message.
"When you abuse grammar, God gives C. Thomas Howell another grey hair."
BWAHAHAHA. And dear Tommy doesn't need any more.
greaserlvr54 also wrote an insulting fic about a girl being raped and enjoying it. The story gave me little hope for the rest of her writing and seeing the name "Flick" just killed the remaining hope I had.
I'm just waiting for the day when a fanbrat creates the ultimate Sue, Fuck Winston.
Overweight people aren't allowed to shop at Hot Topic? Since when?